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C.A. writes:
I have enjoyed your column so much in the short time that I have been aware of your site. The varied topics have touched my life, either personally or because of friends who have gone through similar situations.
Perhaps you have already had a segment on the struggles people have gone through when their children make serious mistakes and how they have resolved it. It seems that all the families are the perfect ones (when I am dealing with some of my own children and the sorrow that we feel when children decide to abandon the things we hold most sacred).
I would appreciate hearing from other parents and families who have been able to overcome the feeling of failure in spite of the children continuing on in rebellion and sin.
Thank you.
Jeannie says:
Dear Sister,
Besides laying a child in the grave (and even here, one may have closure), there are few sorrows harder to bear than wayward children. A child who has been taught correctly and, either through coercion or choice, takes a foreign path is a heavy stone in the heart of every parent.
Years ago, I think it was the practice not to discuss these issues so openly. Perhaps embarrassment or fear of being viewed as anything less than “perfect” prevented frank and honest discussion. Consequently, like you, many sisters felt that they were alone in their suffering and everyone else was “perfect.”
May I just say, I don't think there is a family in the church who has been left unscathed by either first-hand experience or extended family involvement in this area, whether they choose to admit it or not. Please take some comfort in this.
It is so very human to look for someone to blame for “failure.” We most often, find our willing scapegoat staring back at us every morning from the mirror. “What if?” “Had I only.” “How did I miss this?”
All of these questions can become a mantra for blame and stop effective parenting dead in its tracks.
We cannot alter past negative events, even if we feel we may have contributed to them. We can, however, allow these events to steer our future choices. The results of our choices, exactly like those of our wayward children, can determine positive or negative results.
At some point, all of us with wayward children have to get “OK” with the situation. This does not mean liking or accepting the child's actions, nor does it mean changing values to accommodate a lesser law. Indeed, those with straying children are called upon to live the highest law of love and acceptance, just as our Father in Heaven would.
By exercising this love, we begin to peel off the layers of hurt and blame. Eventually, we can get to the core of forgiveness; both of self (if there is offense) and child. This forgiveness helps us to separate from responsibility (and blame!) for the sinful or rebellious actions of children.
One of my acquaintances was challenged with her child's same-sex attraction issues. Talk about a guilt trip. After much heartache and prayer, she was able to let go of this guilt. She dropped that heavy burden at His feet and put her child's welfare in His hands, acknowledging that her child was His child. Blame ebbed. A dialogue ensued. Boundaries were set in place of what was and was not acceptable in her house. Mutual respect and, most of all, love and acceptance of the child were fostered. This child still considers himself to be part of the family.
Some other friends had a child deeply enmeshed in the drug scene. This child was a danger to himself and his younger siblings. After much counseling and therapy, the parents had to reach a very painful decision involving co-dependency. For the good of the rest of the family, they had to deliver an ultimatum: rehabilitation or eviction from their house (he was not a minor). This ultimatum was sweetened with the reassurance that he would always be welcome if he chose to lose the drugs.
Responsibility was placed firmly where it belonged—on the shoulders of their son. I wish I could say that this child chose rehabilitation and came back into the fold. It was, sadly, not the case and they are still dealing with this “loss.” He returns for a while when he has “cleaned up” and then disappears when the addiction takes over.
How do they bear this loss without perishing from guilt and sorrow? How can they possibly find healing when the wound is opened time and time again?
The answer is simple in doctrine and difficult in practice.
They have, out of necessity, developed their eternal eyesight. Knowing philosophically that agency is the principle upon which our earthly existence is built and relinquishing control of their son to that principle, are two very different things.
They made a very painful, conscious decision to allow him to experience the consequences of his action. Comforted in the knowledge that they have done and are doing what they can to help, they realize, like our Father in Heaven, that no one can force change or righteousness on another.
Yes, his behavior still causes them sorrow. They would have to be past feeling not to acknowledge the hurt. It has, however, become bearable through the use of this eternal eyesight. As they deepen their understanding of the atonement and dependency on the sealing power of the priesthood, they have also found peace.
Alison says:
Verily I say unto you all: Arise and shine forth, that thy light may be a standard for the nations; And that the gathering together upon the land of Zion, and upon her stakes, may be for a defense, and for a refuge from the storm, and from wrath when it shall be poured out without mixture upon the whole earth.
D&C 115:5-6
Without mixture. Without dilution. Is that not the kind of storm in which refuge would be the most sought after? The choices of our children can certainly, sadly, be some of the storms we must go through, and one that we must look to our Father in order to weather.
I am officially on hiatus this week, attending Education Week at BYU. Interestingly, the theme this year is Finding a Refuge From the Storm. Perhaps many of us are feeling at the mercy of the elements at this time in history. I thought I'd share with you a beloved and hopeful quote that may be helpful to you and other dear parents who are looking for some peace in troubled waters.
You parents of the willful and the wayward! Don't give them up. Don't cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours-long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fullness of knowledge brings the fullness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend.
The Prophet Joseph Smith declared-and he never taught more comforting doctrine-that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father's heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.”
Orson F. Whitney, Conference Report, Apr. 1929, p. 110
Kathy says:
This topic will always concern LDS women and universal mothers in the broadest context. You would be amused if you knew how confident I was of my ability to raise righteous, happy children before my own were born.
I have been duly humbled! My kids surpassed me and are now examples for me.
My psychology major son at BYU says one theory set forth in his course-work last semester postulates that children are far more influenced by their peers than by their parents or siblings or any other factors of their nurturance, heredity, or home environments. I'd like to comment:
I agree that kids gravitate toward peers who are convenient. I like the word “propinquity” here. First, it's fun to pronounce; and second, I think it is more important than we acknowledge. It's also very easy for a parent to impact at first, and nearly impossible later on. A conscientious parent of toddlers can arrange play dates and keep a vigilant eye on a child's opportunities to seek (or to be sought out by) playmates. When the kids are in grade school, parents can volunteer in the classroom and guide their children carefully.
A watchful parent will notice right away that needy and troubled kids are constantly, desperately demanding attention. It is these kids who approach your children boldly and often relentlessly, demanding alliance, pleading for companionship, or in extreme cases, simply bullying or victimizing when this doesn't work. Desperate people, even at age five, do not behave in the same way as kids who are healthier emotionally. It is our job to protect our kids from harmful peer interactions.
Many righteous moms will tell you it is also the responsibility of everyone in the global village to love, nurture, and guide the kids who are at risk. I don't disagree. But your question is about the kids over whom we have direct, formal stewardship and those we feel specifically prompted to guide as their universal mothers. (For example, your question is of immediate interest to aunts and grandmothers and Young Women leaders, teachers and youth volunteers who serve in the role of mother.)
A friend who has survived a tragic life relayed a conversation to me about a mutual friend who lamented that her child managed to associate with the one student in her school who represented a prestigious group but who exercised a powerfully negative influence over her daughter. My friend said, “How can you be so harsh?? Your parents sent you to BYU and you found and chose me as your best friend.”
Kids align themselves with peers who meet their needs. These associations are either voluntary or predatory. Parents need to watch and guide these relationships the best they can, but the time will come for every child when parents are absent, peers are “in charge,” and kids are in peril.
Older kids are going to find peers with whom they spend their time. Studious kids who work hard and stay engaged in home-based disciplines such as musical instruction and practice, and/or family enterprises (gardening, farming, repairs and remodels, community or church service) are automatically out of harm's way for many hours of their day. This is nearly airtight when their parents are present, providing the example and exuding a positive attitude during all of the above. Parents can enforce this program until their children are no longer financially dependent. Their children will find peers who are similarly engaged. They won't be available to “hang out” with idle or disruptive kids.
The principle is solid. Parents can usually impact their children's decisions by following the The Family: A Proclamation to the World, but peers still play a dramatic role.
What can we think when parents live, love, and guide with exemplary unity, diligence, gentleness, and patience and children simply won't follow?
When grown kids still refuse to repent, let's remember Lehi, Nephi, and Jacob preached and exhorted, pleaded, kept up their journaling and leadership responsibilities, and called their kids to repentance with all the fervor they could muster right up until they had used their last breaths.
We might be underestimating the amount of influence we can or should be exerting over our grown children. In fact, we might now be their peers in a new context. When our kids go off the deep end, it's a tough thing to look beyond our sense of spectacular, public failure and stay confident in the principles.
I'm sure we lose effectiveness with our maverick kids when we shift the focus from their issues to our own self-esteem as parents.
If a friend or colleague made a serious mistake and came to us for counsel, I think many of us would be far more accessible and resourceful emotionally than we are when our own kids derail, because we are so invested personally. We say terrible things in anger that are sometimes ineffable. We can't seem to step back enough to remember this is a person who needs love, attention, and a cool head. We need to listen and learn. Yet we feel so compelled to lecture and scold. Some parents feel the answer is to resort to physical punishment.
I agree with you; it would be a very useful discussion for the Circle of Sisters to share success stories.
I can tell you that I know of at least a half dozen kids in my ward who shocked the hosiery off all of us when they turned away from drug habits and other serious problems, served terrific missions, married in the temple, and shouldered adult priesthood and secular responsibilities like champs.
In every case, it was their home teachers; often their contemporaries who had been their ward buddies since Cub Scouts, who pulled them back into the fold. By then, their parents were pretty distant in the background.
It might be time to pass the baton to the appropriate leaders and offer the child the same respect we would any other close friend who doesn't happen to share our values. How can we tell which tactic to try? Did the spirit intervene in any of your decisions, sisters?
Please feel free to answer anonymously if you would like to protect your child's identity.
Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
Kathleen wrote:
I was not trained for the waywardness of my younger kids by my older ones! I had to learn the hard way. My oldest children were very capable of deciding what was right and taking others there with them (and I am very thankful for their example). When they were teenagers, we welcomed all kids into our home and encouraged friendships of every kind.
I naively assumed that all my children would follow suit. Some of our younger kids have discovered that they are more likely to follow than to lead. They (with strong encouragement from us) have decided that there are some kids (members and non-members alike) with whom they cannot and do not socialize. My mistake as a mother was insisting that the younger kids accept and befriend everyone just as their older siblings had. They were nearly led astray. It’s a tough call. The Spirit certainly intervened, both with our kids and with us.
I think a lot of that has to do with the world in general, though. Things are just tougher out there than they used to be. As an example; our oldest child rarely encountered a tattooed or pierced person in his honors classes. Six years later, another child in honors classes sees tattoos, piercing, immodest dress and parents who do the same. The influence is far stronger than it has been before, and I think that makes it tougher for the kids. How I pray and pray that Christian parents everywhere (not just church members) will stand together and say to their kids “I’m sorry, but that style is just too immodest for someone like you. Let’s find another dress.” Instead, we have to point out to mothers and daughters in Young Women’s that giving a prayer or talk in an outfit where your stomach hangs out is inappropriate. That’s just an example, but you get the idea. If we are united, that makes it easier, doesn’t it?
So to answer what do you do when your child isn’t invited? You say “How about you call So and So and see if they want to come over for pizza?” It’s OK to not be accepted. In fact, it might be better.
And just so you know I don’t sit in judgment: we have one child who is too “wild” for the crowd at church. We don’t blame them (although he has been openly offended by peers and parents alike). We find peace in understanding that he is an eternal being who is struggling with this portion of his life. We realize he is the Lord’s child first and He can help us best in bringing him back to the fold. And herein lies an important point: when that child does show up for a meeting or activity, we hope all those who are there will treat him kindly and welcome him. This is what we teach all of our children: The Savior spent much time lifting and loving others, even those who lived in sinful ways. He set the example for us to do the same. But he did not live with those people or socialize with them. He understood that good people needed to have his friendship also.
There, now I’ve got it all out. Thanks for a wonderful forum. I am touched every time I read.
Dear Kathleen:
Thanks so much for taking a moment to share your experiences. You made a very valid point about individuality and not assuming that younger children will necessarily follow an older sibling’s example.
We need to be so vigilant and tuned-in to each child that when questionable situations arise, we can be a step ahead of disaster. We can’t always prevent that disaster, but we can prepare against it and seek help where needed.
Kathleen, we loved your letter so much! I think we all would be surprised at how many of our families have followed your pattern. We are living in frightful times. But we have each other, and I think Heavenly Father expects us to pull together. It has been boggling experience to “circle the wagons” in the Circle of Sisters. Your suggestion to blow it off, when you don’t get invited to that critical social event, and have a good buddy over for pizza instead, is wonderful advice.
What an interesting puzzle, regarding loving the kid who is the “bad apple” when he tries to join the LDS activities once in a while. My missionary son said the fishermen did not throw down their nets and follow Christ because they were so impressed with the doctrine. They followed Him because of the love that He offered them. They sensed it a mile away and knew it was genuine and rare, and worth the change. I think our example needs to be the same. I think as long as a kid wants to adhere to the minimum requirements, he should be embraced as a brother (or she as a sister). If they reek of alcohol or tobacco, we don’t notice. If they light up or bring booze onto the premises, that’s another issue. What if they show up half-naked, as many kids do these days? I’m glad I don’t have to make those distinctions. What a world we live in!
Thanks for joining us and reminding us we need to bear each other’s burdens as never before, and gear up to create a community where our kids have half a chance of surviving the tornado of sin.
Cheryl, from Provo, Utah, writes:
I never really thought I would have the problem with kids wandering and choosing strange roads but this year I have been proved very wrong.
Faith writes:
I feel that the opinions you have printed are wonderful and cover many important issues, but I feel that there are some very important, even crucial issues that have been overlooked.
First, as I listen to sisters I notice that the beginning warning signs of a child headed the wrong way are often overlooked. It is often an attitude of hopeful “Oh, he/she will be all right, it’s just a stage” or something similar. Then nothing is really done at the stage when the destructive course might be averted.
Another thing is that so very often mothers are working outside the home and are tired and drained and don’t have sufficient energy to invest in helping a child headed for trouble and I wonder if they don’t even have time to notice the signs. The internet provides such a quick and easy way to lead anyone off track, but how many parents really monitor their children’s usage? They don’t have time. How many parents really monitor TV watching? Again, they don’t have time. Or do they think that all the garbage so readily available isn’t affecting their kids (or themselves, for that matter)?
I was shocked when, as a new seminary teacher, my students told me that almost all of them had seen R-rated movies right in their own homes and most with parents’ approval. Don’t we believe the prophets? It doesn’t seem like it.
It takes a very great deal more effort to reclaim a wayward child then it does to help them avoid trouble to begin with. Sometimes it looks to me as if no one seems to recognize this. In these days, when evil is so abundant, a child can fall very quickly and very far.
These are scary times. The only protection we really have is to draw as fully as possible on the powers of heaven. The only defensive weapon we have as members of the Church is the “sword of the spirit”, the word of God. I have often contemplated the efforts Alma the elder and his wife must have made spiritually in exercising the faith required to bring to pass in the life of their seriously wayward son and his friends the exact experience that was needed. We are told they “prayed with much faith.” Mosiah 27:14
Of course, drawing on the powers of heaven involves some letting go in one way, but it is not enough to just sit back, say a few prayers and think we have done all we can. Most certainly Heavenly Father acts when all our faith is exercised. But what is all our faith? I submit that it requires a great deal of effort. I once heard a powerful testimony from a well-known Latter-day Saint writer and speaker regarding this effort. She and her husband had 11 children. They realized that one of their children did not have a testimony. They made a commitment to attend the temple weekly, fasting for this child, until he did have a testimony. Three years later this boy had a strong testimony and did just great. This illustrates exactly the point I want to make: First, these parents were doing all the things we have been counseled to do so that, even with 11 children, they recognized the warning signs. Secondly, they were willing to make whatever sacrifice in time and faith was required in order to save their son. They were successful.
Of course, we must allow for proper timing. Alma the younger was a “man” when he had his life-changing angelic visit. How many years of deep yearning prayer and fasting did his parents do before the experience came at the time that was right for Alma? Yet, even when we may have to wait (Jacob had died before his son Enos, “got it”) still, when we are exercising such deep faith we can have a precious peace and we can hear the sweet, consoling counsel, “Be still and know that I am God.” D&C 101:16
I feel it would be profitable to humbly, prayerfully evaluate what our real priorities are, what our own spiritual standing is, and how much effort we are willing to put forth in order to help save our families. We have been warned that spiritual efforts of the past will not be sufficient as evil continues to increase. So, how much do we really care? I know by personal experience that we can indeed call upon the powers of heaven, I know that angels do, indeed, minister unto the children of men, not just in Alma’s day but in these times as well. I know that there is more help available than perhaps we sometimes believe. I believe in miracles, for I have not only read about them in the scriptures, but I have seen them come into the lives of my family members who needed help and at the time when the help was needed. They have come in ways I could not possibly have predicted, and have come in ways far, far more powerful than I could have had the intelligence or foresight to have asked for.
Certainly there are those who will not respond the way that we know will bring them happiness. This is the lesson of Laman and Lemuel. But, I believe with all my heart that many, many of those who stray will respond, one day, if we are exercising all of our faith in their behalf. What I believe is that we must understand exactly what it means to really be “faithful,” and what great efforts will be required of us to have the kind of faith that moves mountains.
Dear Faith:
Your name says it all. Your message was beautiful and of course, as you intimated, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I’m glad you did mention that Alma was a man and had to receive a heavenly messenger before he converted. Sometimes, even when we try everything in our power, a child may still rebel. Certainly, we should never stop praying, loving, counseling (where appropriate) and doing all that we can to head destructive behavior off “at the pass.”
Thanks for reminding us that the powers of heaven are readily available.
Dear Faith,
Thank you so much for your letter. Each of your points completely resonated with me. Thanks for hammering home our point a bit more clearly about the required effort and concern. Your experience absolutely bears out that kids who have careful, consistent guidance from parents who love each other and love their kids are going to be thousands of miles ahead of children raised without specific leadership, when they need to know how to exit from an Internet porn solicitation without opening it, and how to leave the entire soccer team gaping from the windows of the tour bus if the conversation becomes deeply offensive and the kid needs to get off and phone home for an alternative means of transportation.
Yup. We will have to answer as parents if we have been too exhausted, stressed, and pre-occupied to love our kids.
Melodie writes:
This is the first time I have seen your site, and I was inspired by the love and acceptance that radiated from the three letters printed there. I hope you will expand on your site. Thank you.
Melodie, many, many thanks for finding us and for writing. We love our little circle and have all grown in ways we would never have dreamed of, as a result of the careful thinking and enormous love and concern of our international readership. We feel so lucky and very blessed to be a small part of Mormon Momma.
Peter writes:
Your quote, while very reassuring to parent of wayward children, was originally given in the context of parents who have made their “calling and election sure.” The promise was that if they went forward and continued in righteousness and made their calling and election sure the Lord would save their children. That is a magnificent promise.
Now the Lord does “feel” after the wayward in response to the fasting and prayers of the parents but the promise to actually save them is linked to the calling and election.
Elder Packer made reference to the quote in General conference a few years back.
Beverly writes:
In response to Faith:
Sometimes, even in families where the mother doesn’t work, and R-rated movies are never seen, and television is rarely turned on, and the temple is attended and family prayer and scripture study etc are part of family life, a child will still choose another path. Even though it was never taught as a gospel principle, I started my little family thinking that doing all the right things, as well as I could, would almost guarantee faithful, obedient children. And although I never voiced it, I thought that when someone’s child went astray, something must have been neglected in their family.
I now have reason to regret and repent of those thoughts. It is true that we all can do more, that no parent is perfect in their parenting, and no child is perfect in their obedience. But we cannot assume that the principles of the gospel are not being lived in homes where a child strays. We need to be generous in our thinking and treatment of others whose hearts are breaking, wondering what more they should have done – searching their souls for their sin that may have caused their child to stray. I can tell you from experience that the Lord is generous and very tender in his treatment of such a parent. May we be also.
Bev, your letter is beautiful and thoughtful and 100% on-target. It’s even short enough that we can all read it about ten times, which I would strongly recommend. Many thanks for taking a moment to contribute to our exploration of this topic.
Linda writes:
Dear Sisters,
How I appreciate this column! Especially this article.
We recently sent a son on a mission after several years of wondering if he would ever go and agonizing over what to do to help him. We had tried everything at our disposal, including prayer, asking for direction. Finally, in desperation or frustration I don’t know which I went to the Lord and had a real heart-to-heart discussion with Him. I laid it at His feet, telling Him that I could do no more. If He wanted this son of mine, one of His own, to come back to the straight and narrow, He would have to step in. I told Him that I knew He could do it, after all, look what he had done for Alma! After that conversation, I felt the burden lifted from my own shoulders and knew that I didn’t need to feel the guilt of “What more could I have done?”
It was a couple of months later that my son came to me one night and told me about some of his difficulties. He let me know that the only reason he was even alive was because of the example we, his parents, had set, and how we had taught him the gospel. He wanted me to know how important that had been in keeping him from going farther off the path than he did, and how it kept reminding him of things eternal.
I don’t know what happened that brought him to that point. But I know the Lord stepped in and did what we were not able to do. Our son worked hard at turning his life around and has been joyfully serving a mission for a few months now. His first letter home was filled with love for his Savior and a newly found insatiable appetite for the Book of Mormon. His letters make me cry, and I tell him to keep making me cry!
I know the Lord can and does perform miracles when we let Him.
P.S. Not to be a doom and gloomer, but even our Father in Heaven, who is the perfect parent, lost one third of His children. This is not a comforting thought, but it does remind us that our children do have their agency after all we can do.
Lisa writes:
Dear Sisters,
I enjoyed your article about children straying, one thing I felt was left out is the hurtful comments from members of your “ward family.”
I am not a writer so I hope you will bear with me. I have lived with children straying. I must first say I grew up in the church in a small town in Utah. I attended seminary, and earned the four year-graduate status. My family read scriptures together, had family prayer, and worshiped together. It never occurred to me to be married anywhere but in the temple and of course to a returned missionary! My agenda was to get an education, but not to delay having children.
I hope this is making sense because I am shaking so right now.
My family was poor but we never knew it. My parents were exemplary in showing service. I am grateful for all this that I had, for my parents planted a deep and abiding testimony in me. I prayed, I knew, I have never doubted; my faith is strong. I married a returned missionary, in the temple, we both graduated from college, had children, and my husband continued his education. We had Family Home Evening, and scripture study, we attended church and tried our best to fulfill each call that we were given. As my parents taught me, I looked for those to serve also. We had family prayers. We talked about when you go on your mission to our children. Yet our oldest strayed, he graduated early and was already into drugs. His friends were LDS (we do not live in Utah), he attended his meetings, Young Men activities, and seminary, and earned his Eagle rank in the scouting program.
Still he turned his back on all that we held sacred, all that we had tried to teach him. It was a very heart-wrenching time for my family of seven. The oldest moved out five days after he graduated; he was only 17. Many days and nights I have picked him up off the streets, so that he could be at his siblings ? birthday parties, or our Christmas and Thanksgiving celebrations. He was by all looks (and smells) a major drug addict. Our hearts were broken as well as his siblings ?. Never once did I stop praying, pleading, begging the Lord. I have cried so many tears alone. My husband could not even deal with this. He became a workaholic. I was the one when called in the middle of the night, to hear my son sobbing on the phone, and to listen for hours to his despair, yet I would always say, Let me come and get you, Son. ? No. He was not ready. He had just run out of drugs, I suppose. I am also the one he would yell at and call names. He would tell me everything I had done wrong.
I was very much alone, I literally begged for love from the sisters in my ward and from the priesthood. Instead, they wouldn’t allow their children to play with or visit my other children. Given the remarks made to me, to my face, I can’t even imagine what was said behind my back. I lost a great deal of weight, I am five feet, six inches tall and I was down to 105 pounds. The bishop ?s wife said to me, “Does one of my children have to go on drugs so I can lose weight? Ha ha.” Maybe this was funny to her; but it was like a knife that was already in my heart, was just twisted. One of my other sons gave a talk in church. A good sister came up to me afterward and said, “Now is this son really that good? I mean; I hear from my daughter he is, but with your other boy ?can he really be good?”
How do you respond, when you can’t run to your car because you are the Young Wome president and you are trying to get to the room to set up? You watch these young women and you try to reach out to them and give them love and let them know they are valued, when you yourself feel so worthless.
These young women pulled me through: I had to put on a happy face. Where did I find people who didn’t judge me and my family? At my other son ?s soccer field. They put their arms around me, they cried with me, they encouraged me, they always said I am praying for you. ? These women were not members of the restored gospel, they were just good Christian, Jewish, and Muslin mothers who saw a need, and cared and loved instead of judging. My neighbors, all of different faiths, called to check on me, came by, and we watched out for each other. They just loved my family; they knew we were broken-hearted. They acted in a Christ- like manner, and always they would say, I am praying for your son. ?
I have experienced five years of pure hell and I am one of the lucky ones. I did receive a call one Friday in July, caught totally off guard, “Mom I need help.”
The Lord put the words in my mouth: “Son, all I can do for you is to get you to a hospital.” He begged and pleaded, but I said the same thing. At last he agreed. Well, I had 24 hours to find a rehab, and I did. It was out-of-state. Arrangements were made and a one-way ticket purchased. (Expensive rehab! But who cares, when it is your child?)
Putting him on the plane, after having picked him up in a parking lot, I was alone, frightened he would chicken out and bolt. Everyone in that terminal or airport who saw him knew he was an addict with his tattoos, piercings, hair different colors, dirty and smelly. I held my head up, put my arm around my son, and I prayed. At the gate he was almost the last one to get on. We stopped. We were both crying and hugging, I felt love for him even as you do when you deliver your baby. We held each other. No one complained or said a word. They just watched and waited. We were both sobbing. He walked down the walkway, and I tried to get control of myself. I made it to a chair and a stranger, a man, came and put his arms around me and said, May I grieve with you, may I have hope with you, may I cry with you? ? A stranger!
And that is how it has been. Not members who showed loved. They judged and whispered and just said hurtful things. Obviously we hadn’t been good parents, we just didn’t have a spiritual enough home.
Well, at last he finished rehab. Were things smooth-sailing? By no means. Relapse? Yes.
But now, ten years later, he is a junior at BYU with a 4.0 this very year. To see him, you would not know his story. On Dec. 27, 2000 he received his endowments. A brother, home from his mission, was there, as were his parents. That day will be forever in my heart and mind as I waited in the chapel and looked at the picture of Christ. How grateful I am for His wisdom. How grateful I am that my son is not a statistic, dead, HIV positive, or still on drugs and alcohol. I am grateful also for a Savior who loves us and forgives us.
It has taken me time and age to feel very sorry for those who chose to judge our son and our family. No one knows what another family ?s life is behind closed doors. I am grateful, yes grateful now, even though it was so very painful, but I learned so very much, not the least of which is to love and to care. Gossip and hurtful remarks are so damaging to the soul, that I never want to be a party to that. I truly believe there are no bad kids, just kids who make some bad choices, some that don’t have support at home. But they all need love. I apologize that this is so long. But I still hear people talk about others, or say hurtful things at church, in the chapel, on the day we come together to partake of the sacrament, and my heart hurts.
Dear Lisa,
I am so sorry that you have had such a harrowing experience; not only with your son’s addiction, but with the insensitive, intolerant remarks from members. How sad that instead of helping to carry that horribly heavy burden, they added to your load with their thoughtless remarks. What a missed opportunity for guileless charity!! Some people just do not “get it,” do they?
My philosophy has always been that the Lord knew what he was doing when he organized the Church (not to be confused with the Gospel). It forces us to associate with and yes, even love the people whom we would not normally seek out as friends. I’m happy you did not let their brainless comments stop you from coming to Church.
Kids do make wrong choices but you are so right, we have to love them no matter what. Eventually, the love may pay off as seen in the remarkable come-back your son made. I rejoice with you!!!
Cheryl, from Orem, Utah, writes:
I have always found the following quote very comforting when faith seems to falter and parenthood becomes completely overwhelming; yes, at times even terrifying. I have it in fancy letters hanging on my wall. It is taken from a wonderful article called Temple Statement for Utah South, by Vaughn J. Featherstone, April 1987.
Thank you for your inspiring work and articles.
This is a great article. I am forwarding the link to a couple of good friends. Thanks for posting it.
Cheryl, Thank you for reminding me of this quote! It certainly makes me anxious for the temple to open again! Unfortunately my temple that’s right next door closes during July when I have the most time. However, it will open up again soon, and I am here in Utah– it’s not like there isn’t another temple right next door!
Again– THANK YOU for sharing the quote. It’s a good one to keep in mind regardless of what is happening in our lives.
Thanks for writing Peter! It certainly is a magnificent promise!
Having one’s calling and election made sure (as referenced in 2 Peter) is a doctrine many are not familiar with. And even if we are, I suppose when we’re struggling to have meaningful scripture study and family home evening, it seems a bit beyond the scope of our current text! But the subject is interesting nonetheless.
In his book Doctrinal New Testament Commentary, Bruce R. McConkie says that when a member of the church has the Holy Spirit of Promise ratify his seal upon a baptism, marriage, or any other covenant, the seal is conditional binding only “in the event of subsequent obedience to the terms and conditions of whatever covenant is involved.” When this ratifying seal is placed, however, upon someone whose calling and election has been made sure, there “are no more conditions to be met.” He called it having “the day of judgment advanced.”
He also stated in The Ten Blessings of the Priesthood that one of the blessings available was the power to make our calling and election sure, thereby having “the unconditional promise of eternal life in the presence of Him whose we are.”
In Accepted of the Lord: The Doctrine of Making Your Calling and Election Sure, Roy W. Doxey, very simply stated that that having one’s calling and election made sure was having a certain knowledge, in this life , that one will become exalted. This is not the same as having a pure testimony of Christ, nor of hearing his voice. It is a sure knowledge given by revelation and the spirit of prophecy. D&C 131:5
I do not have Brother Whitney’s original speech, but would love to read it in its entirety. I only have numerous instances where parts of his speech were quoted, such as:
Boyd K. Packer, Our Moral Environment
Harold C. Brown, I Have a Question: What hope does the gospel give to parents of errant youth?
A. Dean Byrd, When a Loved One Struggles with Same-Sex Attraction
John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray
In none of these is there mention of having the calling and election made sure being a qualifier for the blessings mentioned. In fact, in his April 5, 1992 General Conference address, Boyd K. Packer refers to the particular parents to whom he applies this quote not as those with prematurely judged exaltation, but as those who “have tried so hard to do what they should.”
Certainly, however, our obedience will be required. I assume that readers understand that God’s promises are contingent upon their obedience to “the law upon which it is predicated.” Perhaps I should have specified that the sacred sealing powers are only meaningful if we are actually keeping the covenants made when we received the ordinances but I didn’t imagine anyone thought otherwise!