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An anonymous sister writes:
There is such pressure to be perfect Mormon women, but how do we even begin a discussion on that topic? Will you mostly just discuss the usual angst over trying to be perfect?
You know, perfect mom who keeps her own journal and journals for each of her kids, bakes bread every morning at 4:00, keeps a shimmering clean house filled with her own crafts, serves no fewer than three nutritionally perfect meals each day, volunteers in the community, does an awesome job in her church calling, plays in a string quartet and keeps up her Mandarin Chinese in case she has an opportunity to serve a mission there with her husband and alternates water aerobics with weight training to stay fit and beautiful. Can we be real for just a minute?
Alison says:
In both the Bible and the Book of Mormon, Christ commands his disciples to be perfect (Matthew 5:48; 3 Nephi 12:48). How do we deal with such an overpowering requirement, especially when “real life” so often interferes with our best intentions?
Here is my five-point survival plan:
Define Perfection
The term “perfect” was translated from the Greek word teleios. This means “complete” and is derived from the word “telos” which means “end.
“As Russel M. Nelson said in his conference talk titled Perfection Pending, “…the word does not imply ‘freedom from error'; it implies ‘achieving a distant objective.'”
Much of the angst felt by members of the Church of Jesus Christ, in my opinion, is unnecessary and illogical. We look at the two best qualities of each person we know on earth and form a composite “perfect woman” out of them. Then we hammer ourselves for not being this fictional person.
How carefully have we examined the qualities and characteristics that make up our “perfect” ideal?
Does the command to live the word of wisdom and the counsel to care for our bodies as “temples” really require us to compete in annual marathons and have weekly French manicures? Does the command to establish a house of order really require that our spices be alphabetized and that all our food be transferred to Tupperware Modular Mates? Does the command to do family history really require us to have multiple acid- and lignin-free themed volumes chronicling every event in the lives of each of our children/grandchildren/spouses/selves with cropped photos, die-cuts, and Victorian-trimmed corners?
Perhaps we would be better off focusing first on salvific issues and adding the superfluous filler in the space left over.
Analyze Your Condition
While apprehension is normal for those who can see the great disparity between the ideal and their personal reality, I don't think the angst is usually a problem. Perhaps it is really just the nudging of the Spirit reminding us that we couldโand shouldโhave been better.
Perhaps we would be better off responding to the uneasiness we feel rather than trying to talk ourselves out of it.
We need to regularly and frequently take stock of our behaviors, attitudes, and thoughts and note where we need to make improvement.
Take Responsibility
There are some who are incapacitated by their inability to measure up, but I believe most of us suffer more from the malady of justifying our bad behavior.
Certainly most of us can give the textbook Sunday School definition of what is right and wrong and apply it to the population at large. It's when our own behavior doesn't meet the standard, we make ourselves the exception to the rule. Our own misstep is undoubtedly due to the weather or the unreasonable bishop or the mean lady next door.
If we truly want to be disciples of Christ, we must look ourselves straight in the eye and work out our problems from the inside out.
Just Do It
Setting goals and achieving them are two very distant cousins. Few of us choose to overcome the forces of habit to make significant, lasting changes in our lives.
There are a million ways (and just as many books) to set and achieve goals. Some people write down goals, tell others about their goals, have goal partners, make charts, fast and pray, get blessings, or obtain expert advice or assistance.
A friend of mine would set dozens of goals every year. But because they were tiny, manageable goals, he would achieve almost all of them and each would get him a bit closer to his ultimate goal. They were things like “laugh more often” and “pray more on my knees and less in the car.”
Similarly, I found the advice to set a goal to read the scriptures for 15 seconds a day to be utterly profound. It was so easy to accomplish that I never put it off and, as you would expect, I always read more than 15 seconds.
Once, in an effort to break a particularly stubborn habit, I promised my Heavenly Father that every time I broke my resolve I would put an extra $100 into my Fast Offering. I'm not endorsing this as some kind of general goal-setting protocol, but it worked for me!
Find a method, a motivation, to get started on your eternal path to perfection. If one way doesn't work, try another…and another…until you find the method(s) that suit you. Then you can proceed one baby step at a time.
Maintain Perspective
The Doctrine and Covenants reminds us that we are not required to do more than we are able (D&C 10:4). Perhaps we need to look at being perfect less as an adjective and more as a verb. Rather than having a goal to simply be a perfect woman, be a woman who is perfecting her soul.
This moves perfection away from being a destination and turns it into a process.
The overwhelm of trying to “do it all” is removed if we step back from the frenzy to take stock of what it is we are really trying to do.
Jeannie says:
Along with all circulating “Mormon Myths,” the fabricated ideal of the “perfect LDS homemaker” certainly leads the pack. She must be breadmaker supreme, genealogist incomparable, scriptorian extraordinare, and Mother Theresa of Relief Society. For decades, this myth has concurrently been measuring stick and stumbling block to sisters like you and me; sisters who are just trying to make sense out of life's challenges while retaining some semblance of order and sanity.
We have been told time and again that His is a house of order. We equate, like the Jews of old, compulsive “practices” with perfection. The result is disappointment and possible depression. We have gone through the motions of ‘practice' and feel neither justified nor perfected.
May I suggest that the quest for personal perfection is an attitude rather than an absolute? This does not mean that there are no “absolutes.” One can be absolutely perfect in paying her tithes and offerings. However, if we examine the scriptures, nearly every one of these “absolutes” involves an earthly or a “lesser law.” How does one measure perfection in the practice of charity, consecration, motherhood, building Zion or following the promptings of the Spirit?
It has taken me nearly five of these myth-laden decades to resolve this issue. I have twisted my spiritual ankles tripping over Miss Perfect LDS Barbie [Editor's note: there really was a BYU cheerleader Barbie! You might just find one on eBay!] as she littered my pathway and blocked my progression. I finally just gave her a swift kick in that perfectly proportioned keester and sent her on a journey to dust-bunny darkness.
I came to the hard-earned conclusion that perfection on this planet is not set in stone. [Editor's note: …or plastic.] As we strive to develop an attitude of perfection in, for example, the realm of charity, the measuring stick of perfection lengthens proportionately to each act of Christ-like love. Through sincere, heartfelt service or even the most mundane act of brotherly courtesy, our capacity to love increases. We start to measure our progress at a different place each time; a place closer to His ideal, rather than the fabrication. We start to feel justified by the Spirit because our measuring stick is just. It compares us with us. It confirms that we are moving in the right direction and our attitude toward the principle is being perfected. The same holds true for every other eternal principle or commandment set forth by the Lord or His servants.
We will still trip and fall over self or man-made stumbling blocks. Some of them will be the same ones that have broken our toes for years. They do not have to stop our quest for an attitude of perfection. We can plead for His unfailing guidance and forgiveness, dust ourselves off, learn from our mistake and circumvent the next pitfall. Once more, our measuring stick lengthens. This new attitude supplants the old one of self-sabotage. We no longer have the need to compare our state of perfection with that of anyoneโleast of all, a myth.
Addendum 11/16/15
For those interested in further reading, there is a very helpful article from the BYU Religious Studies Center titled: “Be Ye Therefore Perfect”ยThe Elusive Quest for Perfection. The takeaway:
If disciples are as faithful as they can be according to the knowledge they possess, in the same way that Noah, Seth, and Job were faithful according to their own knowledge, they are perfect. If disciples are completely devoted to applying the teachings of Jesus Christ and if they utilize his Atonement when they make mistakes, they are perfect. If disciples are filled with love that is free from anger, lust, and vengefulness to the utmost degree that they possibly can, they are perfect. Simply put, if disciples are earnestly doing their best to live the gospel of Jesus Christโincluding repenting as often as they need toโthey are perfect. It is hoped that this knowledge will comfort those who really are giving their best efforts to live the gospel but who are also discouraged and tempted to give up because no matter how hard they try, their best effort does not measure up to what they perceive as perfection.
Frank F. Judd, Jr.
Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
Kendra in Boca Raton, Florida, writes:
Alison said, “Does the command to establish a house of order really require that our spices be alphabetized and that all our food be transferred to Tupperware Modular Mates?” Now, Alison, who do you know who does this? Hmmmmmm???
Hey! No fair responding with insider information!
OK. I confess. My spices are alphabetized and my pantry sometimes looks like a Tupperware ad. But!!! This only occurred (as Kendra well knows) during my last pregnancy (1999-2000) when the “nesting hormone” was ravaging my body! I believe this syndrome comes with certain legal protections. (And it’s better than what I used to do when I was pregnant: sew! Auggghhh!)
But, as I told my dear friend Kendra personally, my point was that these strange obsessions have nothing whatsoever to do with salvation. You don’t have to do them if you don’t want to and you certainly don’t have to feel guilty for not doing them! So, go ahead, be bold. Put your coriander bottle before the allspice!
Coriander?
We had an Enrichment night where a woman came to teach us those exact things (organizing food after putting it into Tupperware – if we buy a little at a time, it won’t take too long!). Part of me was a little fascinated (I am extremely organized, but she blew me out of the water), and part of me felt a little sad for her.
Stephanie from Fountain Valley, California, writes:
I have the great opportunity to work for James J. Jones, a BYU Education Week presenter. My thoughts: I know I can never be perfect in this life time; not with my light-hearted, whimsical approach which includes a disdain for details. But I can be “complete,” and I find great comfort in that. I loved this article. Thank you.
Thanks for joining us, Stephanie! I’m not red-hot at details either, but I find that my creditors feel otherwise. I’m trying to balance responsibility with the lightness Jesus promises us if we will allow Him to share our burden. Meanwhile, thank goodness for those who “lighten up” their up-tight associates. You are definitely a representative of the leaven that keeps us all feeling “up.”
I bet you are a really fun lady, Stephanie. Like Kathy, I think striking a happy medium between sackcloth and ashes and lightmindedness is the answer. Neither has anything to do with perfection, do they? (Truth be known though, I’d rather see someone err on the side of lightness any day!!!)
Alberta from British Columbia, writes:
I have enjoyed reading what other women in the church think about this subject. I am 73 years old and have thought about this a great deal. I have a Stake President who put a new spin on the subject. If you read Matthew 5:43–48 you will find that the Lord only asks you to love all people, even your enemies, the good and the evil, etc., as your Father in Heaven does in a perfect manner. This sure makes it easier to obey. It may just be in one thing but we can add to that as we perfect ourselves.
Alberta, you are ahead of me if you have mastered the Christlike ability to love your enemies. I would say that’s one of the more advanced areas of self-management. Thanks for being such a good example!
Oh, Alberta! As Kathy said, I feel that loving enemies is Advanced Christian Behavior at the graduate level. Now there are people who annoy or bother or irritate or try us all. But when someone willfully, wantonly perpetrates evil on someone I am reminded of those who persecuted the Savior and am in awe at how he responded to them. I’m a long, long way off. But I’ll keep trying.
Alberta, I think you caught the entire essence of why it is we are here!!! To be able to love and pray for our enemies is the killer commandment, isn’t it? This one definitely separates true disciples from wanna-be’s. More power to you in your quest for perfection in this area.
Maureen from Fort Worth, Texas, writes:
I think your idea of having a gathering place for all the sisters who actively visit your web site is great.
I believe the idea of a community here at Mormon Momma is really a great idea and it will be very successful because of your targeted audience. But, the one thing I am finding very intimidating from the get-go is the comments that are already posted. My plate (business, personal, and callings) is very full. And, I am certainly not a candidate for the “Martha Stewart” award! I would be far more inclined to participate in the published comments if I were able to tell about my specific challenges and get feedback from other sisters as to how they are improving with similar challenges. And, if the existing postings told of a sister’s challenges (be she the moderator of the messages or someone else) and had suggestions from a friend or two in resolving these challenges I would find the message area far more “visitor friendly.”
As for comments on perfection, I would like to have a starting point of how my “lack of perfection” fits into the plan of the atonement rather than how I compare to the intimation of perfection already posted in the initial messages on your site.
I know this sounds very harsh when we all have the same eternal goals that we are striving for. But, we are all at different stages of progression and different positions in life. I can see your Circle of Sisters as a real lifeline to sisters in family situations that are not the “ideal LDS family” as described. That includes single parents, sisters with an inactive or non-member spouse, sisters who are dealing with difficult situations that are not influenced regardless of that sister’s spirituality and efforts to make things “ideal.”
You have a really great website. I love to recommend your site to friends who have not yet found it. I also enjoy forwarding some of your articles to my two non-member Family History Center shift partners. I am the only FHC librarian with non-member shift partners in our FHC. One is a retired general, the other a retired colonel and we attract quite a following of retired and active military people to our weekly shift.
Thank you for providing such great resources!
Welcome aboard, Maureen! I would be so shocked to learn that we have an “ideal” sister lurking somewhere in our circle, I think we’d first need to administer CPR then find out if she had actually been invented by a prankster just to keep the rest of us loose. Let’s see: shall we make her kids beach babes, college athletes, or international chess champs? How about a sprinkling of prestigious scholarships and perhaps some sort of major entrepreneurial venture as an upshot of an Eagle project? You know, that sort of thing.
All teasing aside, I really like your hope that sisters will share each other’s joys and sorrows, and maybe even offer a shopping list of tactics that have worked for them or those they know. Sometimes just considering any positive action is better than worrying alone.
Hi Maureen. Last time we looked, no one in our circle had been “taken up.” In fact, it feels like we are sporting those weird, weighted shoes you see in really bad science fiction movies. Our conception of Circle of Sisters includes the idea that we, without passing judgement, are working together to forge a stronger sense of self and community. There’s no room for intimidation or superiority in this circle and we invite everyone to unload ?day or night. Your idea about “feedback” on personal issues is super and also part of our vision. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us.
Kathy (another Kathy) from Bountiful, Utah, writes:
I’m an avid supporter of Circle of Sisters, and think this ability to “chat” is fab! Hats off to you for keeping us “online” with the Church, one another, and ourselves.
I am married with four children, three of whom are married. I am blessed with two granddaughters, children of my son and his wife (with another little girl due in four weeks!) and a grandson via my daughter and her husband. My second daughter is a recent “newlywed of two years”, and my youngest son is an amazing 6′ 7″ poet and aspiring writer. I call him my “skywriter.”
I met my husband in high school. He says I tripped him in Seminary class to get his attention. I truly don’t remember that, but still marvel at my creativity. He served a mission in France, and came home to work up to a doctorate in this beautiful language. He is currently the Language Department Chairman at Westminster College, and the faculty French professor.
I am a boring “born in the Church” member, who probably doesn’t really have a clue as to what a “real search” is, as far as finding a true religion to believe in. All I know is that the personal experiences I have had are evidence enough.
Let me just share one thing: God is love. Ultimately, it is not what we accomplish by the world’s standards that is important. Ultimately, we are judged by how we treat others, and the love we choose to share.
I don’t intend to put down the comments in any way quite the contrary. These are real struggles women internalize. But, I think it is also important to recognize that all of us are at a different place from one another, and the reality is that we face daily challenges that are a result of a secular world.
For example, it is hard to feel you are striving for perfection when faced with a constant bombardment of Satan’s tools to bring women down. Women today struggle with problems of such severity and magnitude that it can be overwhelming. Certainly, just the issue of rampant pornography is example enough.
There are women who struggle financially, emotionally, and physically. Many women in the Church have inactive husbands, or companions who fail to recognize the importance of the priesthood that they bear. Women in the Church today struggle with children who chose an inappropriate path perhaps a child declares he or she is homosexual, that he or she is not morally clean, or that her son does not want to serve a mission. Sadly, women can find themselves alone, betrayed, and witnessing broken covenants wondering “if only.”
These are just a few of the realities women face daily, hourly, and minute-by-minute. Yes, striving for perfection is important certainly paramount to one’s happiness but the reasons I mention above fortify my belief that relationships are everything. The rest will fall into place naturally.
In D&C 46, we are taught about spiritual gifts. I truly believe the gift of the Spirit will sustain us through it all. But, I also believe that we are all at different levels of belief and growth. As the beautifully written scripture reads: “And again, it is given by the Holy Ghost to some to know the diversities of operations, whether they be of God, that the manifestations of the Spirit may be given to every man to profit withal.” D&C 46:16
If you want to feel some real self worth, read on further, even the entire section. Recognize your gifts and embrace yourself! Tell yourself you are doing the best you can and believe it. If you don’t feel that is true, then you will know what you need to improve upon. In the meantime, remember that only Christ is perfection; we just desperately need his light to guide us through.
In church we are taught perfection. How could it be otherwise? But the reality is that life and its challenges are full of imperfection.
Kudos, Kathy II, for surfacing this issue. The quest for perfection is always going to be a paradox, knowing as we do that the purposes of our probation are trials and challenges. If we are expected to be perfect, why is the target always zipping all over the place, hopelessly beyond our ability to land a punch more often than once in a great while? Let’s celebrate the rocky road together, and “keep on truckin’ ” as we used to say in the sixties. [Editor’s note: That was the 70’s. I know this because I wasn’t conscious during the 60’s!]
Thanks for writing to us. Thanks, especially, for pointing out that we are the recipients of a constant, enormous, pure love. What could be better? It’s a great focal point for all of us, regardless of individual circumstances.
I greatly appreciate your sentiments. But I do want to clarify a couple of points. I think it can be misleading to some to hear things like, “Ultimately, we are judged by how we treat others, and the love we choose to share” or ” ?relationships are everything.” Doctrine doesn’t support these positions. Absolutely we are to love our neighbors and serve “the least of these,” but first and foremost we are to love God. He requires many things of us. Loving others and strengthening relationships is only a part.
Terri from Covina, California, writes:
Hello Ladies! Thanks for providing me with all this food for thought on my long commute home.
Regarding this whole perfection thing: I’ve never believed these scriptures refer to how well dusted the furniture is or isn’t. To me this perfection means looking with Jesus’ eyes and seeing as He sees with so much love and compassion that your whole being is filled with peace and joy. Now I also know this is not easy. I could probably count on both hands the times I have experienced it but the fact that I have means I can do it again.
I imagine those of you who go to the temple have had this experience. I know missionaries who have felt this way – either toward their companions or the folks they teach and I’m sure all of you who are blessed with children often look at them this way. Stop and think about the first time you really looked at your new baby that bond was the love of Jesus that was perfection looking at perfection.
We have books and books and books telling us how to organize and clean and craft and cook. I know because I own a lot of them except the crafty ones. The major lesson I have taken away from all these books is that we have the same concerns: is my house clean enough, are my children’s clothes clean enough, am I enough? The major market for all these books lies in the fact that we are concerned about this enoughness thing. We are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us so much He sent Jesus here to show us that we are enough and much more.
I hope you don’t think I am suggesting that we can cast all concerns by the wayside, but is keeping the kitchen clean enough for brain surgery really a goal which will get you into the Celestial Kingdom?
Remember, Jesus only gave us two commandments and neither one of them concerned dusting under the bed!
Thanks for your time!
Mother of none and I still don’t have time to keep my house clean enough.
My dear, you are definitely a kindred spirit! After my first year or two of public humiliations at Homemaking Meeting (AKA “Kitschy Craft Night”) I came to be known as the “President-elect of the Craft Retard Club.” True story! Thank you for your input.
I and the other Kathy had the same thought. Many writers showed special concern for sisters who might have thought of their lives as a deviations from the “Norman Rockwell LDS Cover Girl” norm. I hope we will have many opportunities to offer solace and balance as we get together as a “Circle of Sisters.”
Bravo Terri. I’m grinning from ear to ear and share your sentiments wholeheartedly. (At least you own some craft books!! I have 10 thumbs.)
Sounds like you have learned to love and are, undoubtedly, very well-loved. Hope to chat with you again.
Gina from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, says:
Sisters:
I am thrilled that you have started a quilt that we may each help craft into a representation of the glorious work that we are. As a sister in the Church, I find myself craving the company of other sisters who share the same beliefs as myself. I find it interesting and appropriate that the thread begins on the subject of perfection. We, as sisters not only in the gospel but also in a society are judged on the basis of beauty, income, and education, with an inordinate emphasis on worldly appearance.
No offense intended, but look at the first sister contributing to the thread. I am not criticizing, but pointing out differences. Being a homeschooling mother in Florida, I have had occasion several years ago to communicate and request assistance from Alison on homeschooling issues, and I admire her. Her introduction certainly speaks for itself she seems to be very successful in her life. I know I could learn much from her, and indeed, I have.
I am also the mother of five. I homeschool three (Luci, 7; Paolo, 9; and Stefano, 11). They fight and give me immense amounts of grief over actually having to write or learn anything. (OK, Luci doesn’t, but the boys do it enough for her!) I have a beautiful daughter (Shaehanna, 23) who has decided that the church is not true, and although keeping to the standards with which she was raised, is now attending another church and plans to marry within that church this winter. I have a newly 16-year-old priest (Carlo), who I look up to literally and figuratively! I came from a broken, dysfunctional home and never had the wherewithal to finish a degree. I have, however, educated myself, and will continue to do so as long as I can read and listen. While I do love artichokes and liver (really!) I also love pasta made with real cream sauce, real chocolate, and whole milk. I also have a dream-man husband (because I am willing to overlook his not so dreamy areas, as he does three-fold for me!) Career? I have tried, off and on over the years to have a career, but never with the success that I have craved (perhaps my lack of drive)? At this point, I have a great idea for my own business (again!) but cannot imagine how I can balance that into my schedule, yet I will try.
Now, to my point! I am not belittling myself because I do not fit the standard perception of “successful.” My point is that we are made from different molds, colored with different inks. We should celebrate our differences and consider ourselves part of a cooperative group of women who have the self-esteem and intelligence to know our weaknesses and be able (and willing) to partake of the strengths of others, as well as share in the areas where we are blessed. An important factor in this life, as one of the steps that Alison pointed out, is to take responsibility, not only for our actions (or lack thereof), but for our destiny as well. It is not to wallow in our weaknesses, but to build upon them. In the worst of circumstances, we are still able to improve upon the gifts which we have been given.
As a member of the Relief Society, I have been so blessed to lift up my self-esteem as I am able to share, without repercussion, my doubts of my self worth as a daughter of God, as a mother to his children, as a friend and a wife. I am humbled to be reminded that none of us in that room, despite appearances, is ready to be translated just as yet. There is no reason to despair. We have the guidance of a loving Father in Heaven, a Savior who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us, the scriptures and a living prophet to guide us, and sisters to uplift, share, and commiserate with us. Thank you, Mormon Momma, for giving us this forum within which we may be of service and friendship to our sisters.
Hello again, Gina! Real cream sauce I can understand. But pasta with real chocolate and whole milk? Now that is disgusting! Ha ha!
You say, “No offense intended,” as if you are about to rip me to shreds, but you don’t at all. Instead you point out exactly what I would have pointed out.
“
Truth is, what “seems” to be true, often isn’t. I am successful in some things and a horrible failure in others. Just like everyone else. And if you read this column long enough you will undoubtedly find that the good-sounding stuff in my bio is far outweighed by personal vices. But, just for fun, suppose that I really am near perfect (a claim no one who actually knows me has ever made). Would it invalidate my positions? More likely it would make me more qualified to answer (and more important to listen to).
But back to reality ?I also know that I am much further away from “translation” than many, many people who “seem” less successful. Appearances can be deceiving. Looking (or sounding) good on paper and being pure in heart don’t necessarily go hand in hand. Believe me, there are days when I wish they did!
On their album Fortress of Love, Goodman Family sings a song titled “Start Where You Are,” written by Kenneth Cope. The song describes some less-than-ideal situations (single parenthood, debilitating health problems). The chorus says:
I am convinced that this is the key to earthly “perfection.” Where we came from and what life throws at us aren’t the consequential issues as far as God is concerned. And neither is how far we travel on the path of “seeming” perfection. What matters is which direction we move in from our individual starting points and how well we use the blessings and gifts we receive to travel that straight and narrow path returning us home.
In the course of this sisterhood, I hope that we don’t feel compelled to compare ourselves to one another. We really aren’t very good at it. Rather, I hope we can look to Christ as the example and encourage each other in reaching toward him ?from wherever we are. Thanks for your thoughtful note.
Gina, here are three cheers for your willingness to offer a candid outpouring of your cluster of responses to our perfection discussion. I thought it was intriguing to follow your progress as you walked yourself logically through the issues, drawing your own conclusions based on doctrinal principles. You wrote thoughtfully and with admirable sincerity. I hope all of our sisters who have had the same or a similar series of trials will read with the same love and trust that prompted your response, and feel the same sense of faith and courage that you expressed.
Our general authorities have placed a great deal of emphasis lately on acknowledging and addressing family of origin issues. Thanks for being one of our first readers to step up to the plate. I’m sure others will be relieved to hear they are not alone in their effort to overcome familial modeling that hasn’t served them well.
Dear Gina:
What a privilege it has been to read about your life and accomplishments, your struggles and resolutions. I am so moved by your insight. This gift is no product of “higher education;” rather education from “on-high.” You need never compare yourself to anyone else. As you expressed with regard to Relief Society, I hope you know that you can write in anytime to circle with no fear of repercussion.
Shana writes:
It is so great to read so many uplifting and thought provoking words. May we all progress to perfection and buoy one another up in our endeavors.
Debbie from Salt Lake City, Utah, writes:
As I have read (and enjoyed) everyone’s comments about “perfection” I had some thoughts. At first glance these may sound like philosophical and/or trite answers but they are truths that I have learned in the fire of some of life’s greatest challenges.
We are told in Ether 12:27 that ” ?I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;” It was interesting to me to finally accept that not only did my Father know I was imperfect but that there was a purpose for my weakness to make me humble. Not only that, but it was a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. How? The verse goes on to say, ” ?and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me: for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
My life experiences thus far have taught me that most of my angst comes from simply not availing myself of the Savior’s grace. When my imperfections become more than I can face alone I am drawn to the Savior who unfailingly offers me the peace my heart yearns for. Sadly, it often takes me far too long to take that recourse. I’ve found that the biggest problem with the whole perfection question is that it focuses us too much on ourselves rather than on the Lord.
We were never meant to do this on our own abilities. We simply can’t. I am reminded of the story of Peter walking on the water and of how he could do the impossible when his eyes were fixed on Savior. However, when his focus turned to those things around him, he sank.
When my focus is on how I am measuring up, the waves engulf me, but when I look to the Lord, he somehow works the miracle of his grace. When I stop trying to “goal-set” my way to heaven, I can finally become an instrument in His hands. Seeking heavenly acceptance rather than earthly approval doesn’t diminish the reality of my weaknesses but somehow it doesn’t matter. All the energy I would have spent worrying can now be directed heavenward and, just like the miracle of the loaves and the fishes, the Savior makes the offering sufficient. When I stop trying to prove myself and start acting out of gratitude and love, amazing things happen. I can’t offer my “perfection” but I can offer my heart, my whole broken heart. The good news is that’s enough. For now, that’s just perfect.
Debbie, Thank you so much for this post. When Circle of Sisters first “aired,” one of the responses included a post that was something akin to yours. It focused on the importance of God’s grace and how he could (and would) make up for our shortcomings. Unfortunately, a “staffing” change resulted in the removal of this all-important piece and left a gaping hole in our answer. Thank you for filling it back in so eloquently.
In listening to a related talk titled Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall, Elder Dallin Oaks has discussed both sides of the issue you bring up: weaknesses becoming strengths as well as strengths becoming weaknesses. Very interesting stuff. And I agree completely that the intense self-focus is counterproductive. As for reaching our eternal goal, I didn’t mean to imply that we could “day-planner” our way to heaven. But I do find that when I have no goals in mind, I end up exactly where I was planning to be. Perhaps not everyone has the same trouble with motivation that I do, but I find that I must make a concerted effort to make much progress in anything. Without that I tend to remain stagnant or even, horrors, slip backward.
We are given some commands that are easy to quantify (daily scripture reading, full tithing, weekly family home evening, regular temple attendance) and those that are difficult to measure (charity, service, faith). But I have found that I can increase my awareness, my understanding, and my ability to apply even the latter characteristics by focusing my time and effort specifically on them.
Ultimately I believe there must be a balance of thought. We need the understanding that we must not only “believe in” Christ, but we must believe that what he said is true-for us, as well as everyone else. The atonement applies to us and his grace is sufficient.
I am also struck by Paul’s statement that, “God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
The urge to sin is not irresistible. When I choose to sin I have done so voluntarily. And so I realize that every time I sin I had the ability (if not the will) to do better. That alone tells me I’ve got work to do. And that’s the kind of volunteer work I’d like to avoid.
Debbie, thanks for being both philosophical and “trite.” One of my favorite recent quotes from President Hinkley reads “Repetition is the key to learning.” This educational principle is not new or original with our Prophet, of course, but he spoke to my heart when he assured as, once again, that this is the case. Bearing in mind that his roots are in education through his parents’ career, and he knows this truth through his own achievements, I believe completely that this reminder from him, and now from you, were well-aimed nudges from the Holy Ghost. Your comment reminded me, via yet another fortuitous “trite” repetition, of several gospel truths that have been imperative for me to practice this week. Who cares if they are trite? My life has been significantly blessed by your reminder.
Sparki from Washington, writes:
Will we, as women, never tire of laboring over this issue? I think not. Two women, two personalities, strive within me one, a Mary, and the other, a Martha. Mary characterizes my yearnings and insatiable appetite for spiritual rebirth while Martha characterizes my drive to bring order out of chaos, even to the point of dusting under beds and behind refrigerators as well as alphabetizing the spice rack. Both facets of my personality make me a complete, or whole, or “perfect” woman by definition of the Greek term, “telos.” My struggle comes as a matter of trying to balance the demands of each to the measure of a vision that I perceive as ideal.
The directive given by the Savior to be perfect set the standard for all of us. “Nothing short of the ideal can possibly suffice: a being of absolute perfection could ask nothing less of his people.” (Robert L. Millet, Jesus Christ: The Only Sure Foundation, p. 148) But let me share some things that have brought peace to my soul: Bruce R. McConkie defined perfection as of two types, mortal (finite) and eternal (infinite). He said that we can obtain mortal perfection in this life if we devote our lives to the truth, submit completely to the will of the Lord and put the kingdom of God first in our lives. He said that infinite perfection comes in the next life to those who gain the kind of life that God has and includes gaining an immortal, resurrected and perfect body.
Of mortal perfection, Brigham Young said: “Those who do right, and seek the glory of the Father in heaven, whether they can do little or much, if they do the very best they know how, they are perfect. ?”Be ye as perfect as ye can,” for that is all we can do tho it is written, “Be ye perfect as your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” To be as perfect as we possibly can according to our knowledge is to be just as perfect as our Father in Heaven is. He cannot be any more perfect than he knows how, any more than we. When we are doing as well as we know in the sphere and station which we occupy here we are justified…We are as justified as the angels who are before the throne of God.” (Deseret News Weekly, 31 Aug. 1854, p. 37)
Brother Millet wrote: “As it is with being justified, and as it is with being sanctified, perfection is both a process and a condition. But whether we speak of a person being “perfect in his generation” or of that ultimate perfection that comes in and after the resurrection, we speak of something that is brought to pass only through the intervention of God. Man cannot justify himself. He cannot sanctify himself. And he certainly cannot perfect himself. The transformations from a fallen nature to a spiritual nature, from worldliness to holiness, from corruption to incorruption, and from imperfection to perfection are accomplished because divine powers bring them to pass. They are acts of grace.” (cited previously, p. 151)
God will bring to pass my immortality and eternal life, or my perfection, if that is what I desire and if I deny not His power to do so (Moroni 10:32 ?33). Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “Just as we will be accountable for our evil desires, we will also be rewarded for our righteous ones. Our Father in Heaven will receive a truly righteous desire as a substitute for actions that are genuinely impossible…This principle means that when we have done all that we can, our desires will carry us the rest of the way. It also means that if our desires are right, we can be forgiven for the unintended errors or mistakes we will inevitably make as we try to carry those desires into effect. What a comfort for our feelings of inadequacy!” (Pure in Heart, p. 59)
The struggle, the angst, surfaces when judgment, or comparison, enters my heart and I see myself weak where another is strong. Martha was not rebuked by the Savior for her temporal focus but for her judgment against her sister, Mary, who had chosen that day to feast at the feet of the Master. The challenge for me is not so much between good and evil, but between good and good and learning through the Spirit to choose “the better part” throughout the day. I have been able to lessen the angst in my life as I have learned to center it in the Savior and balance the yearnings of my spirit and the drives of the flesh with moderation. When those two personalities within me live in balanced harmony I find great joy in this journey of life, satisfaction in daily service to my family, and peace in the process of perfection that comes from the Prince of Peace, my Lord, Jesus Christ.
Gosh Sparki: How come you’re not writing this column?!!! What profound insight; especially your last paragraph. I fight with the balance between Mary and Martha daily and am comforted to hear someone else does as well. Thank you for teaching me a wonderful truth.
Sparki, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a wonderful, thoughtful response! You have given me a great deal to mull over. What a comfort Elder Oaks’ comments are! (That will be one of the first books I read when I unpack!)
I, too, often struggle with the good vs. better often unsure which is which. And perhaps I struggle even more with taking action on the better when the good is so much more rewarding in the short-term.
I can’t add anything worthwhile to what you have said, so I will try to turn away from the good (this column) and attend to the better (my daughter’s language arts project). Perhaps it’s time for me to act on all this good advice.
Sparki, I can hardly believe my eyes ?you have given us a dazzling, scholarly, inspirational, careful, profoundly meaty article for no other reason than to share your light with our circle. It is at times like this that I wish I held the control lever for special blessings. I would love to crank that puppy into overdrive and bury you under an avalanche of all your favorite goodies from above. I’m so glad the Mary and Martha prototypes have popped their perennial “sister act” into our dialogue. This balance is one of the most feminine of the biblical “women’s issues,” I think, and a useful frame for our visit on the topic of perfection. I hope many of our readers will utilize this interesting model to help them balance their duties and passions.
Ede writes:
Thank you so much for your comments. I often feel totally alone because I just don’t do crafts, homemaking, decorating, etc. I often feel like the only one. Glad to know I won’t be judged by my dust.
Ede, you are definitely not the only one!
When the General Relief Society presidency announced the changes in the Homemaking program during the Relief Society General Meeting in 1999, I rejoiced. When Sheri Dew said, “Relief Society can help us turn away from the world, for its express purpose is to help sisters and their families come unto Christ. In that spirit, I join Sister Smoot and Sister Jensen in declaring who we are and in rejoicing in the announced refinements in Relief Society’s focus. We no longer have the luxury of spending our energy on anything that does not lead us and our families to Christ. That is the litmus test for Relief Society, as well as for our lives. In the days ahead, a casual commitment to Christ will not carry us through.” I sat in front of the screen and cried. Our purposes as woman can include crafty things. But they don’t have to. Some of the gifts that other women have blessed me greatly, but when I try to pursue them personally they lead me (and my attitude) anywhere but unto Christ. As “Women of God” each of us must prayerfully determine where and how we can be of the greatest service.
Ede, do you mind if I comment on both yours and Alison’s observations? First I would like to say that my own sainted Relief Society President only last Sunday, reiterated Alison’s remark almost verbatim, that we need to prayerfully determine where and how we can be of the greatest service. This must be of special importance to me personally, and to all of us collectively. And thanks for reminding each of us that it is spooky to feel like “the only one.” I think we women are especially intuitive regarding the importance of feeling connected, and that this gift helps pull us back into each other’s lives when we are most needed. I think it’s one of our most important blessings. When we think about our “Charity Never Faileth” motto, it’s thrilling to re-read the definition of the pure love of Christ and its attributes. Do you see any dust-free window treatments or clever table settings in there? Me either. Were my windows diseased? Can a floral arrangement actually possess intellectual ability? Why the anthropomorphism, then? Let’s turn to actual humans instead, and try to keep that balance somehow. (Of course we serve our family members and guests by doing a good job of our domestic duties. But I have very poor skills in this area, and have always wished I could improve.) The right focus and balance are worthy of our attention and celebration. Thanks for writing to us!
I read an interesting book called: How Good Do We Have to Be? A New Understanding of Guild and Forgiveness by Rabbi Harold Kushner. He said that the Hebrew work for perfect is yamim. This means “whole hearted” in that tongue. I whipped that out in a Sunday School class once and nearly the entire class got whip lash turning around to look at me. It must be telling on the mutual perplexity we all feel on the topic. Great comments from my friend Jeannie by the way!
Great insight! Another couple of books that I highly recommend on this topic are Stephen Robinson’s Believing Christ: The Parable of the Bicycle and Following Christ: The Parable of the Divers and More Good News. If you’re feeling like a hopeless mess that will never measure up in the realm of righteousness, these books can turn your life around.
Judy!!!!! I think I know you. Are you the horsewoman of the apocalypse? (Ha ha!! Deny it if you can!) If so, you have much to offer the Circle of Sisters in this as in many other areas. I hope you will comment often and enjoy our sister pilgrims along the path of the iron rod. Aren’t they amazing? Each new comment gives me goose bumps. I can’t say “thanks” enough times or enough ways.
Carol from Alpine, Utah, writes:
I too am enjoying the comments from many of you. As has been pointed out many times already, comparing ourselves to the real or imagined perfection of others is unproductive and debilitating. It isn’t, however, uncommon or unnatural. Kierkegaard offered wisdom that holds as true today as it did centuries ago. In his explanation of the three paths to happiness, he describes competing among women on a physical level (mirror, mirror on the wall…whose the fairest of us all?) and those competing on a social level (I look good because I’m crossing things off my list and adhering to or even exceeding the social and cultural norms in my community and church) as the most base and unevolved motivations. Even though competing and comparing may be a genetically predisposed, natural way of behaving, King Benjamin teaches us wisdom beyond Kierkegaard’s as to why we can’t indulge in such destructive behavior.
“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been ?and will be ?forever.” He goes on to teach us how we can overcome those knee-jerk, natural tendencies, ” ?unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit ?and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things ?”
I imagine if we are expected to treat others that way, we are expected to treat ourselves that way as well. Our worth comes from one place; overcoming the need for a worldly “perfection” or pride comes from one place: strengthening our personal relationship with our Savior.
Carol (who is an old friend from my struggling-students-with-new-baby-in-tiny-apartment days), it should be pointed out, taught me not only how to decorate a grapevine wreath, but how to make one from scratch! This inflammatory fact could very well exclude her from taking part in the perfection discussion due to overqualification! Watch out, Martha!
Come to think of it, the fact that Kierkegaard never married and never raised a teenager could also put him out of the running for giving major life-plan advice. But he did say a couple of things that pertain to this discussion:
? Life can only be understood backwards. But it must be lived forwards.
It is usually much easier for me to look back on my life and judge the level of perfection attained at each step than it is for me to determine the “perfect” response to a situation that is pushing itself in my face. But I am (slowly) learning to use that minute little space between stimulus and response to kick my brain (and spiritual tuner) into gear and also to use hindsight to improve my foresight. The pace at which this progress occurs, however, is nearly imperceptible!
? To my contemporaries my significance depends on my trousers; it may be that to a later era my significance will also depend a little on my writings.
Apparently even Kierkegaard was pointedly aware of the false standards by which we measure and are measured.
Frankly, I do find comparisons to be helpful. I am always watching how other people interact with their children, how they communicate with their spouses, how they teach lessons, how they decorate their homes and plant their gardens. I try to look at what each person does well and try to figure out how I can improve in that particular area by following their examples. (This can only be done by first comparing; by determining where my methods differ.)
The problems arise when these comparisons turn into some kind of ranking on the “righteousness scale.” (“My garden is more beautiful than yours, so I am a better person.” “I am fatter than you, so I am a worthless slob.”)
We can judge behaviors based on revealed doctrine. Only God has the authority (and the knowledge) to judge people and where they stand on the straight and narrow path.
Carol continues:
Obviously, I agree with Alison’s position. I think the part I like most is her reminding us that appeasing our conscience by dismissing our imperfections shouldn’t happen too easily. Neal A. Maxwell has referred to this as “divine discontent.” Without it we wouldn’t feel the need to progress, and it is, as implied by the name he gives it, divinely given to us. As I tried to convey in my message though, if the discontentment we feel is brought on by comparisons and competition with others it is founded in pride and only destructive. If the discontentment is brought on by measuring ourselves against pure doctrine, it is indeed divine and can propel us toward our eternal goals. As King Benjamin advised, the Spirit is there to dictate to us the source of our discontentment if we are willing to ask ?and humble enough to listen.
3 Nephi 1:29 and many, many other references, warn us about the spirit of contention, and in fact state plainly that Satan is the father of contention. My mom’s standard response, when somebody said something cruel to or about a family member was, “Oh Honey. He/she is only jealous.” Probably not always quite true, but the over-riding truth is that comparisons typically lead to jealously if unfavorable or pride if not, and we know very well the devastation that follows either of these spiritual “wrong numbers.” We say and do truly unworthy things under their influence often things that are not otherwise characteristic of us. Your distinction here is powerful medicine against either sort of sickness. Thanks for dispensing this timely shot in the arm.
Sharee from Salt Lake City, Utah, writes:
I have enjoyed everyone’s comments on perfection. Perhaps we could say that perfection is a journey, rather than a goal. I remember a sister at a fireside somewhere saying that it didn’t matter which rung of the ladder you were on as long as you were headed up. Sometimes we beat ourselves up when we would be better off spending that beating-up time doing something more constructive.
I am divorced, with no children, and live with my elderly parents. I hold down three jobs (two are part time). I am also a professional storyteller (so I guess that makes it four jobs, because I do from time to time tell stories for pay) and write most of my own material. I’m also an avid rubber stamper (I make all my own Christmas cards) and a scrapbooker. But I’m way, way far behind in my scrapbooking, every year I send out fewer cards, and my bedroom and craftroom are total disaster areas. Sometimes the little “spare” time I have to do these things are spent helping my parents (we are juicing grapes today all day I just have this little time to check online for a few minutes) so I don’t make any progress on my own projects. But I am working on them, a little at a time at least, and for now I have to realize that’s as good as it gets.
I don’t beat myself over the head. I’ll catch up after I retire ?maybe. And it’s true that none of these things is essential for our salvation; they are just things I like to do. I also help my mother with genealogical research and do temple work (I really need to do more of that), so I’m doing some of the things the Lord wants me to.
I’m not perfect, I’m probably not even very far up the ladder, but I believe I am headed up, and that’s what’s important.
While my eldest daughter is attending early morning seminary I go walking. While I walk I listen to tapes. Just this morning after I read your comment I was listening to a tape from BYU Media Services titled, “A Bountiful Harvest 1995 ?1996.” The tape included a talk called Come Unto Christ Through Your Trials by H. Burke Petersen. It said: “We differ in our faith and testimony. On the ladder of faith there are some of you who are near the top rung of the ladder and others of us are struggling just to get a foothold on the bottom rung. I’ve come to believe that the rung of the ladder you’re on is not nearly as important as the direction you’re moving be it up or down.” Amen!
Sharee, thanks for boldly stating the dreaded “D” word. I’m sure many of our readers are also divorced (or never married), and would like to breathe a few sighs of relief knowing we really do represent them as well. I think caring for elderly parents calls forth a special brand of compassion and opens vistas of love not experienced in any other relationship. Laboring to support this special household adds another dimension of consecration. I would like to hear more about this aspect of your life. I’m sure you are not alone in your special category of sainthood, but I would say you definitely qualify for the title.
Karen from Grand Prairie, Texas, writes:
As a fairly recent convert (5 years), I have been in “awe” of some of my ward sisters. They “seem” to have it all together and so I tend to place them in the “perfect” category. In reality they are struggling just like me, but they are about 60 to 70% further down the road than I, as I see it. I’ve a long, long way to go, but your definition of perfection (or should I say the translation of the word) really helped me. I know that repentance means “to go the opposite direction” and now I know that perfection means “to achieve a distant objective”. So, I have turned to go the right direction and I am on my way to the “perfect goal,” which is to return to my Father. Maybe I am not as quick or as capable as others, but He knows my abilities and that’s all that really matters. Thanks for giving us a place to share.
Karen, thanks for a humble and sweet summation of much of what has been said. Have you seen how many of the sisters who commented felt exactly the same?
Margaret writes:
I think perfection is like faith. When you talk about how well you are doing you have lost it. Being a homemaker, craft person, and “those things” are only a part of being a Celestial Woman and are not mentioned in the scriptures as exaltation steps. I believe Heavenly Father created us all different on purpose, so each of us can contribute in the lives of each other and when we talk about “those things” we are making divisions. Everyone of us came to earth to learn to be the best we can be, personally. There aren’t many things we all need to have alike. If we could all do handwork, crafts, be an expert in cooking, sewing, knitting etc. would we have anything to do for others as gifts, service and love?
Perfection, being spiritually “whole,” is a very personal and individual thing. No one knows unless told by the Spirit that they have reached it. But I believe enjoying the journey and heading in the right direction are what give us courage and joy. Learning from each other. Having opportunities to learn how to do some of “those things” are gifts of love that draw us together not threats to drive us apart.
Putting quality into our lives no matter what it is, enjoying the gifts and talents that we brought with us, should not feel like competition to drive us apart. We can see each other in the Savior’s eyes; He doesn’t prefer only those who can be organized, knit, sew or make beautiful flower arrangements! He loved us all, even before we were born! Doesn’t that give us courage to love each other?
Hello, Margaret, and welcome! I’m not sure that I agree that you can’t talk about perfection (or faith for that matter) while still being on the right track. But it does remind me of an incident when I was very young. I asked my parents why they never said, “We say this, humbly, in the name of…” to close a prayer like I heard so often at church. My father said, “Well, I always felt that explicitly stating that you were humble ?probably wasn’t.”
I also hope that being a “craft person” isn’t really part of being a Celestial Woman. If it is, I have another gaping hole in my facade!
I do, however, agree wholeheartedly with your statements about being created differently for a purpose. It seems patently obvious to me now, but it really came as quite a revelation to me in my late 20’s that I could actually be a righteous Mormon woman even if I didn’t like to cook and sew and do crafts. Don’t laugh! My own mother is the best cook on earth and a great seamstress but she never did make those coffee table grapes that everyone else in the ward had. I never doubted her faithfulness, but somehow I warped the scriptural “perfection” into something it was never meant to be.
Experience taught me that even though my talents are not the same as everyone else’s, they were still good and acceptable to the Lord.
Thanks for your input.
Margaret writes:
I’m from England originally and knitting is in my nature and I have learned to crochet in the last couple of years. The bandages aren’t the easiest things I have learned to do but am loving doing them. I am a Grandma and love to make and do things. It seems like over the years everything I have learned to do I get to teach in Relief Society. I love it when we have mini classes and I get to teach the young moms, and learn from them, remembering how I felt when I first started to learn from the older sisters in the ward. I have such wonderful memories of how they took me under their wings and loved me. Passing it on is my way of showing gratitude, and you can brag all you want, I love that feeling of accomplishment. The bandages I have in my own first aid box too, I’ll never go back to the stiff pink ones!!! I have loved the Meridian Magazine. My good friend here in town told me about you. I passed it on to my children. I have really enjoyed reading and learning.
By prompting, I pass along the articles that seem to apply to friends and family members, and they help strengthen us. So the magazine is helping all of us.
Margaret shared with me off-line that she is a dyed-in-the wool knitter, with English heritage. I am so tickled to hear that! One of my favorite knitting mentors was my dear friend Margaret (Peg) Harrison, also English (a WWII war bride,) who knitted her sons’ socks. I am not making this up! I really believe she could knit in her sleep. She was also my seminary teacher, if you would like a handy example of a combination Mary/Martha. I told Margaret I have undertaken to learn to crochet a leper bandage, and mine is actually beginning to look less like a brillo pad and more like single stitch crochet as I struggle along. Margaret makes these like Mrs. Fields whips out chocolate chip cookies by the ware-house full and even has them in her own first aid kit. She says they work better than ace bandages for her purposes as well as those of the humanitarian services. Now there’s a lady who knows her hooks and needles. As Joni Mitchell might have said, “She is another Canyon Lady” (a lilting musical reference, from the 60s, to the sumptuous diversity of sisterhood).
Lori from Alexandria, Minnesota, writes:
This has been the year of the refining fire for me. I went back to college because of my husbands health and two months after starting school my college-aged daughter went on spring break to rock climb. She fell 15 feet and broke four bones in her face requiring plastic surgery and two metal plates inserted in her temple and cheek. The weekend before the surgery the Holy Ghost explicitly told me not to go to her. I’m thankful that through my anger I listened because the day before her surgery my husband had a heart attack requiring triple bypass. Since then he has been laid off, my daughter married (after giving us a week’s notice and to a non-member) my 14 year old son fell on his face breaking teeth, the car is on its last leg, my 16-year-old has arthritis, my niece is dying from cancer, my mother-in-law has not long to live either, and my husband is to have surgery again this fall and the Lord continues to tell me to finish school.
I’m not happy with the school of trials that I have been handed but I have seen miracles occur. I am learning how to stay out of my adult children’s lives and only answer “uh huh” to the questions that they really don’t want answers to or my opinion. I have seen the Lord provide for all of us and I am learning to let go of everything. I am thankful that I can go to school that it is mostly paid for and might even be fully paid for as my husband’s disabilities increase. I am not fearful of his disabilities any longer, although I would rather have him strong and healthy again. I am learning to let my children grow up into the men and women that the Lord would have them be with their own trials, instead of trying to protect them from all bad things. I am not perfect and there are days when I feel as though I cannot handle one more thing ?and then the Lord gives me comfort and hope that I don’t have to handle anything but loving and serving him. Perfection is not a clean house, musical children, or a leadership calling, it’s just trying to do what the Lord asks in meekness and love.
Lori, I am so overwhelmed by your story that I should wait a few minutes before trying to respond, but I may not have that luxury. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for offering it. Your perspective is so refined by fire, I can only say that I am very, very convinced that The Lord will show you “his holy arm,” (if indeed this hasn’t already occurred) as he leads you carefully through the rigorous mortal training ground that challenges you and your family. As you re-read your note to me, I think you will see several rather startling patterns. I am curious: As you look to your early childhood and youth, can you see, now, special circumstances that helped prepare you for your current journey? Clearly you have willingly embarked upon a special sort of mortal probation. I hope you can sense the love, support and admiration of your sisters as they read about your life. Please accept my condolences and prayers in behalf of all of you. I’m sure there will be a number of other readers who will keep your family in their personal prayers as well.
What are you studying in school?
Lori continues:
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, looking back at my childhood I can see that the Lord has been preparing me for many things. As an adult convert I always thought that it was His guiding hand bringing me to the Church but I am beginning to understand that there is much more that He has trained me for and is continuing to train me for.
I am going back to school to major in English and speech communications. I hope to eventually teach secondary education. Although I seem to continually be led to alzheimers, hospice, and mental health issues and people. But for now teaching high school is the path that I’m on. At times I wonder if I should quit and get a job but the Lord has been good at providing so far and the answer to prayer has been to continue.
The Lord is good and does provide. This morning as I taught seminary and discussed the plan of salvation I was once again reminded that all I have to do is believe and endure.
Thank you once again for caring.
An anonymous sister writes:
This discussion reminds me of a very funny experience from a few years back. Our regional representative had invited Sister Aileen Clyde, then the second counselor in the general RS presidency, and a board member named Barbara to conduct training sessions for the region’s Relief Society presidencies and then a general session for all sisters. During the first meeting, Barbara joked that Sister Clyde had a closet full of unfinished projects from homemaking meetings. When it was her turn, Sister Clyde said in all seriousness that she had never had to correct Barbara for any remark (this had an ominous sound) but she had to now. We waited nervously for what was coming. Then she announced that it was Sister Okazaki who had the full closet. We all burst into relieved laughter, which became practically hysteria when she admitted that she had never done a homemaking project in her life!
The problem with striving for perfection is that we don’t really have a workable definition of what that is, so how would we know when we had achieved it? I also think it’s too easy to talk about this in general terms while failing to pinpoint specific goals one would want to achieve. One goal is attainable but perfection as a goal is too broad to be useful.
Hey, I resemble that remark! Just last night while packing up the sewing area for our move across the country, I came across another handful of unfinished Homemaking Meeting projects from years gone by. One was a holiday cross-stitch jar lid (funny, since counted cross-stitch is the only craft I can actually do with any proficiency (it’s hard to mess up unless you are counting-impaired)). Another was a toll-painted (ha!) wooden nativity puzzle which I had move (half finished) from Utah to Florida in 1991! I thought I had thrown them all out with the partially finished carousel rider in Scherenschnitte and the clothespin reindeer ornaments during one of my pregnancy induced hormonal purges.
I am relieved to know, however, that I am in very good company!
An anonymous sister writes:
I think the hardest part of all of this is that the people in our branch no longer ask how things are. They don’t want to know any longer. It seems as though we are living in a soap opera right now and we tend to overwhelm those on the outside of it. The most hurtful thing I was asked was “So what went wrong this week?” I know that they were joking but it hurt deeply and I no longer answer with anything but “We’re fine.” (It was a member of the branch presidency. I think that’s why it hurt so bad.)
Dear, dear sis, many thanks to you for bringing this specific issue to our circle. Has there ever been a Latter-day Saint so eloquent or inspired that she always felt she had the right words for a grieving sister? I doubt it! Books have been written on what to say and what not to say, but they will never eliminate the pain of a comment that was either flagrantly inappropriate, or just happened to fall upon especially sensitive ears. You are quick to exonerate the speaker, and rightly so. But the pain still stings otherwise you would not have written concerning it. It is a natural and hurtful reaction to pull away from suffering.
One of the more recent studies, chronicled in a bookd by Elilsabeth Kubler-Ross titled On Death and Dying, showcases this response and offers advice on reaching out to grieving people rather than running away from the reality or trying to joke it down to size.
In an earlier work, children’s drawings were examined after their death. The earlier drawings showed the kids’ houses, families, pets, toys and other parts of a normal life such as their cars or boats or recent events. As the kids approached death, their drawings showed less and less interaction with others. In some cases their hospital doors receded far into the back ground and or windows disappeared. The kids understood that they were more and more alone as death approached.
That story haunted me, as you can tell. I am intensely “private” also, about personal struggles. But a tactic I have always employed is to have several confidantes whom I know I can trust neither to gossip about my problems nor to think less of me because I have not thrived in the area of concern, and whose insight I value. They have saved my sanity and kept me motivated; to all others, there is only the “fine, thanks” social response, just as you have described it. I would welcome your advice regarding responses that have been helpful to you.
Joyce from Salt Lake City, Utah, writes:
I gave up thinking about perfection a long time ago and learned to relax. Maybe it’s because I’m 55 years old, my family is grown and I realize that I want to use my time here on earth doing more than worrying about whether my house is sparkling clean or if my kids are perfect. I don’t sew (don’t like it), I cook okay, I have a good church calling, but I don’t aspire to be a Relief Society president, get up early to make bread (I use a bread machine), or do canning any more. I’m working on genealogy, going to the temple every week (we work there) take care of my son’s dog (he’s 25 and very busy). I don’t compare myself to the neighbor down the street who has eight kids, a beautiful house, a perfect yard, goes to the beauty shop every week to have her nails and hair done. I just try every day to get up and find something useful to do, finding joy in simple things like writing in my journal, reading a book or magazine, doing puzzles, making a nice meal for my family (whenever they’re around), doing gardening, watching a sunset, looking at the night sky.
I feel guilty a lot for not doing more in my community or keeping my house perfect but I also am learning not to feel that guilty as long as I’m improving my outlook on life and finding joy in my life, trying to be kind and courteous to those around me. It’s hard but I’m getting better. I have always heard that the scripture that says we should be perfect means perfect in charity, not everything else. If we can learn to love others as well as ourselves, we’re doing really well.
Joyce, I loved your letter, and would wish for nothing more than the life you have described, for each of our readers.
I also think your life sound idyllic. Particularly in a life-phase where there isn’t a moment to spare (or sleep) I dream of a quiet moment or two for contemplation.
But I wonder about the guilt you expressed. I do not think true guilt is meant to be swept away or disregarded. I believe it is divinely sent to get us moving along.
The phrase “anxiously engaged in a good cause” come to my mind frequently. I believe the appropriate definition is probably “eagerly or earnestly desirous.” We’re not commanded to make ourselves crazy, but we are to be using this gift of life “eagerly and earnestly” to do good and serve God. Only you know what that entials for you, but perhaps the guilt about not serving more in the community could be appropriately be alleviated by doing what you already think you should! There is so much need all around. What a blessing you could be!
Carol writes:
There were some interesting suggestions and ideas proffered in your Circle of Sisters column on perfection” If you want to add a slightly academic angle to the discussion on perfection, might I suggest as fascinating reading an all time favorite of mine – an article from Sunstone (May 1987) entitled Perfection: A Social Criticism and A Theological Alternative by John Durham Peters. The dubious corruptions of language that occur seem to create significant difficulties for us as we endeavor to interpret the meanings of a myriad of words in the English language; especially, in this instance, perfection. The myths surrounding how we are to be perfect are legend, as the previous contributors in your column highlighted. In order to diffuse the difficulties of such misconceptions, our collective religious and intellectual responsibility is to have frank and ongoing dialogue with each other. This in turn acts as illumination to those of us who are seeking enlightenment and legitimate understanding.
To further extend this discussion on perfection, let me relate a story from last week’s Relief Society lesson. As I was listening to all the to and froing of discussion regarding living Gospel standards, I was starting to glaze over as the usual platitudes were paraded around, when suddenly l was thrilled to hear a beautiful young woman talk about the struggles she and her family have in relation to swearing! My heart leapt with excitement as I heard the young woman tell the truth about her life experience and not try to feign perfection. What touched me was the honesty and frankness of her tearful remarks as she described her challenges. She knew who she was and was not ashamed to speak openly about a current life issue. She had no reservations whatsoever about revealing herself warts and all.
As she spoke, my thoughts were jogged into motion, I struggle with numerous concerns (depression, isolation as an essentially stay-at-home parent of two delightful, but nonetheless challenging teenagers, a part-time relief teacher who frequently finds herself in classes of children who are highly dysfunctional in their behaviors, etc.) and am trying to patiently tutor my soul in ways I can change. Often trying to live Gospel standards is difficult, just as this young woman was saying, she was not trying to pretend otherwise either.
My reflections continued further. Often I become so overwhelmed or thwarted in various attempts to change and become more Christlike or perfect that I cannot figure out how and when I will ever get the process of change right! As I listened to this young woman in Relief Society, I reflected that in reality we need to give ourselves plenty of time to change and we also need to be patient as we attempt this process of becoming more Christ like or perfect. In our enthusiasm for the wonderful outcomes of Christian living, I feel that it is easy to forget that we need time to practice our new understandings of how to live more productively (in a metaphorical sense) once we have made the exciting discoveries that we make when we realize that we are capable of change.
It is also my understanding that we need trustworthy mentors who will weather the good and the bad with us. Sadly, my experience has been that most people tend to shy away from those who struggle with ongoing life challenges (such as marital difficulties, intellectual intensity (that’s me), and even efforts in trying to be a decent mother and not compromise one’s desire to be so (strangely, many mock the diligent efforts of women who remain at home).
Women walk in many different paths of life and should be supported in whatever way possible regardless of how “perfect” or otherwise their life circumstances are because there is neither a “perfect” life as we traditionally tend to define it, nor “perfection” that is defined in a crystalline finite nature. This type of unworkable definition should be analyzed and removed from our religious perspective. Upon redefining the word “perfect,” we can then tutor our soul in a more practical, realistic manner. Well, these are my musings for the Sabbath. If anyone has any feedback on the above ramblings just yell!
Carol, I sent away for a reprint of the Sunstone article. I will love reading it. Thanks for the suggestion and for your helpful, thoughtful letter. Please visit the circle often!
Shannon writes:
What I love about the Gospel, is that we can forget some of the worldly concerns that plague us daily, and focus on the things that will fill our souls and help us feel better about who we are, no matter how short we fall. Looking through the world’s eyes, my life is so full of clutter and chaos, I will never catch up. But if at the end of the day, I can remember that my Heavenly Father is the only one whose opinion matters, repent of all of my mistakes, be grateful for all He has given me, and pray with all my soul that He will know how much I want to be the person He knows I can be, then I know I’ve done my best.
It is only through the grace of God that any of us are complete or perfect. In the Bible dictionary there is a wonderful statement about grace. It says that grace is the “divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ ?It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows [us] to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after [we] have expended [our] own best efforts”. Thank heaven that we don’t have to rely on our own efforts. I would fail miserably. And I do daily.
So every once in a while I can tell myself that the peanut butter on the windows really doesn’t matter, even if the world says it does. Clean windows do not equal perfection in our Savior’s eyes. I hope.