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Dear Diary,
I, Lemuel, having been born of nagging parents, therefore, I have been harassed much of my life. Not only by my parents, but also by my younger brother Nephi, and my older brother Laman, with whom I get along best. There. Now maybe my parents will get off my back about keeping a record.
Lem
Dear Diary,
It has finally happened! My father is a lunatic. He has decided that he “feels” we should leave the big city and head into the wilderness. God only knows where. He started talking about leaving after he came home from yelling at people to repent. He said they threw rocks at him. I think one must have beaned him on the noggin. He then went and laid on his bed for about 12 hours straight. I thought he was in a coma.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Laman and I are resisting, but it looks like we have to go too. We don't really have to, I guess, but if we don't, how will we eat? Despair! I have a girlfriend and my own horse. Dad is loaded with gold, which we can't take into the wilderness because it's too heavy. Of course, that mama's boy Nephi is eager to go. He makes me sick. I think I'll hurl my lunch if I see him again today.
Lem
Dear Diary,
We have been living in a tent fot three days now. My neck hurts from lying on the ground. It must show because Dad and Nephi keep commenting on my stiffneckedness. There are mosquitos everywhere and I have blisters on my feet. Today Dad said, “O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immoveable in keeping the commandments of the Lord…blah, blah, blah.” Whatever. Constant nagging. He never lets up and Nephi isn't much better. Have to go now.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Hi. I'm Lemuel, and I'm retarded.
Lem
Dear Diary,
I didn't write that last entry. Laman must have gotten a hold of the plates. Sometimes he's a real jerk. I wish there was a way to erase engravings. Maybe the jeweler can fix it. Dad says we have to go back to town and get some brass plates from Laban. Sure, like Laban's going to say, “Here, take them. Maybe you want my coat, too? You want I should die of pneumonia? Then you'll be happy.” He hit me once when we were younger because I spit on him. I'm not going!
Lem
Dear Diary,
Just back from the city. It was all right. The walk back was murder. Laman was picked to talk to Laban. He went over and got drunk with him. The he hit on one of his woman so Laman pummeled him bloody. After that, we went back home and got our gold and tried to buy the plates from Laban, but his gang chased us away and stole our gold. We hid until they got tired. Finally, Nephi found Laban by a wall. He was hammered, so Nephi chopped off his head and took the plates.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Now Dad wants us to go back home and get Ishmael and his family. He probably wants us to marry his daughters. He's got about a million kids. I guess I don't mind so much about going back to Jerusalem this time. Some of Ish's daughters are pretty good looking. I'll write more when we get back.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Just got back. Ishmael's daughters are better looking than I remembered. But there's one that's really ugly. She's hanging on Laman like a bad suit. Nephi's been on our backs the whole time. He keeps telling me to repent. Sheeesh! It's not like I'm Cain or something.
Lem
Dear Diary,
I've had it out here. I'm no camper. I've had diarrhea for the last two months. I haven't been writing much lately because things have been really hard. Now the old man's got a ball he stares into for about 8 hours a day. He says it tells him what to do. I'm going to bed. Mom's pregnant, I think. Either that or she has a tumor. I think she's too old to have a baby.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Mom was pregnant. She had a boy. She named him Joe. We all have families now and most of us have at least one kid. I have two—Frank and Jessie. They're terrors, but I guess they'll grow out of it. I've got to write more often, but I always put it off. I don't know why, but my wife is getting really buff. I'm worried about it because she's almost gotten bigger than me. Laman's wife is huge. She's stronger than eight cows. But then, I always told Laman he had an eight cow wife.
Lem
Dear Diary,
O, yeah! Would that there was a good Deli in the wilderness! I'm craving some bagels and lox, maybe pastrami on rye. Nephi says God told him to build a boat. He's never even seen a boat. Jerusalem's land locked. I've never seen more than a glass of water at one time, let alone the ocean, and Nephi thinks he's Noah all of a sudden. He can't even shoot a bow. He broke his last week. We went a day without food because of it, but Nephi probably called it a fast.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Laman just gave me a tattoo. It really hurts. He rubbed salt in it before I could stop him. He said it makes it feel better. It hurts like the dickens. I don't know why I let him do it. He can talk me into just about anything. I can't believe it's been eight years since we left home and here we are on a beach with a ship that probably won't even float. Mom had another baby called him Jacob. I can already tell he's going to be nothing but trouble.
Lem
Dear Diary,
I'm really seasick. We've been having a party here on the ship Nephi made. It works pretty good. We've been floating around for about two weeks now. We tied Nephi up yesterday because he's so stiff. Laman got really mad at him when he was drunk. It's been stormy a lot. If it gets much worse we might sink. Everybody says God is punishing us with the storm and that we should untie Nephi. Right! But maybe we'll untie him after Family Home Evening.
Lem
Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.