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Alison invited me to Mormon Momma with the hope that I could bring the perspective of a Latter-day Saint woman who is married, but does not have children. I said yes, because I agree with her that this is voice that is under-represented in the LDS culture. I am just like you, except I don't have to bring Cheerios to church.
My childless state is not by choice, but it is the part of the vineyard of life I am in. I am infertile and that's just fine.
I remember sitting thru many a lesson in Young Women on the joys of motherhood and the celebration of marvelous blessings of this righteous calling. (Although, with me as a teenager, I'm sure my mother questioned how “marvelous” it really was). I knew that I always wanted to be a mother, no matter how syrupy motherhood was presented or how unrealistic my leaders made it seem. I realized then, as I do now, poopy diapers are not marvelous in any way. But, knew deep down in my heart, that motherhood was the right thing to want from life, and I wanted it for my life. However, I knew that my path to motherhood would be uniquely my own. How unique I did not know.
As I graduated high school and signed up for classes at the local community college, including a few at the Institute, I thought for sure that I would find a nice returned missionary within the school year and that he would be 21 and I would be 19 and we would be married in the Temple and live happily ever after, have a zoo of kids, a mini-van and a dog, the end! I always pushed the voice telling me that life really wasn't going to be this easy for me, to be to the back of my head. (I really am like you, I hear voices too!).
Nineteen came and went, as did the returned missionary I'd managed to snag. Twenty dawned on me, as did 21. I went on a mission, and thought for sure that Heavenly Father would reward me for all those days of getting chased down the street on my mission with a handsome husband and a car full of kids. Nope, didn't happen. Off to BYU I went for three years, and still no husband. I graduated, moved, graduated grad school, moved, started my career and still my visions of motherhood were not happening. There were times I was mad at the Lord for not doing things my way! Didn't he know my eggs were shriveling up? That my clock was ticking? There were times I felt inadequate and unworthy for the blessings of the Gospel because I was with out a husband and with out children. How could I be a good LDS woman with out these things? How could I possibly contribute to Zion with out a husband at my side and a babe on my hip?
As the experience of singledom passed for me I began to see in small ways the blessings and the wisdom of the Lord for the events and order of my life. I was being prepared by my trials for the blessing of my husband. We came together when the time was right, when we'd had the necessary trials which made us stronger and when the Lord wanted us to be together. I thought to myself, “Lesson learned, wait on the Lord's time table, bring on the babies!” (Well, bring on the babies after I paid off my student loans and worked for a couple of years to reduce our debt.)
After a few years of working, I felt a very strong impression that it was time to quit my job and start working on having children. My husband was very happy about this and fully supported my decision to quit working. I thought that because I'd had such a strong impression to quit my job, having my children would be easy. Boy was I wrong! We had no problem conceiving, but holding on to a pregnancy and staying pregnant has been our unique trial.
My personal struggles with infertility and pregnancy loss have touched all the areas of my life mental, physical, spiritual and emotional. Being a member of the LDS church thru the trial of infertility has been a learned blessing, and has felt like a curse some of the time. As I came home from the hospital after my first D& C, my arms were empty and my heart ached for the baby I would never hold. We had to “untell” everyone we had told, and had to wonder what the reason for our loss was. As the days and months progressed we found we were expecting again. Every night I pleaded with the Lord to allow this baby to live. It wasn't to be, and again, we came home from the hospital with very empty arms and very aching hearts.
Going to church was hard. I went to take the sacrament, it became the highlight of my week and a very necessary reminder of the personal nature of the Atonement in my life. However, after the first hour I wanted to go home, and for over a year and a half I did. Sitting thru Relief Society was painful beyond words. I felt that none of these women could possibly know how I felt. My terminally pregnant friend often made comments to the effect that Latter-day Saints who were not having families with at least six kids were not faithful. Some of the friends I had entrusted with this very personal experience, chose to gossip about me and my struggles. It was not good for my mental state to come home and find an answering machine full of messages from people I knew by name only, which knew about my miscarriages and wanted to know details. I also felt so inadequate and so unworthy to walk into a room full of mothers because I had no children of my own. I often asked myself how could I possibly contribute to the ward, the world, and life. I felt I had nothing in common with anyone in my circle. How my faith was being tried!
But in this trial, I've found some very sweet blessings. My husband, who I had to wait years for, comes from a family with a mother, and many sisters with fertility problems similar to mine. These women have blessed my life in ways I never thought possible. My husband had been able to give me many priesthood blessings, from which we've both benefited. As the months have passed I've also had the time to study the human body and how it works, and how specifically the female body works. I have had the blessing of finding an amazing OBGYN and perinatologist (high risk OB) who have both helped put me on the path to better health, and have assured me that they will be with me till the day I deliver, whenever that may be. I've had the chance to realistically examine my life, my faith, my expectations and what I want from my mortality. I've also been able to serve my own family and my ward family in very specific ways. Finally, I've found that more women and LDS couples suffer from some form of infertility at some point than I thought. I know I've been directed to, and have had specific people placed in my path that have helped mourn with me, but also have offered me tremendous hope and comfort for my future. These sisters have wept with me, held my hands, dried my tears and have shared my experiences. I've been blessed to know that my previous trials have prepared me for infertility, even though it's taken me time to realize this, and that this trial is preparing me for even bigger blessings.
Infertility has given me the chance to trust the Lord and to learn of him. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; I've done enough of that on my own. My unique journey to motherhood has given me the chance to examine my life, and to see the blessings in my life. I continue to make my way and to find where I fit in the Church and the LDS culture, however I take comfort in the promises that I will have the blessings I am promised and which I pray for. I have the Cheerios ready for the day when I might need them, but until that day comes I am learning to be thankful and enjoy where I'm at. I don't know what the journey ahead holds for me, but I'm sure, whatever it is, the Lord will make it uniquely my own.
Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing the tender experiences of your life and for helping me feel the Spirit today. Life is such a journey!
Thanks for your post. It made me sad to think that I am usually so caught up in other things – especially at church- that I don’t remember to look outside myself and see who else might be having a hard time, and how I can help at least ease their day a little. It’s a good reminder.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I too have realized that Heavenly Father has a plan and it might not be what I had planned, but He knows better. We don’t always know why, but I find solace in knowing that He has the eternal perspective that I don’t.
Thank you for this. I remember how it felt when I feared I would be unable to have children. There was almost no more devastating feeling.
When I named this site, it didn’t occur to me that any LDS women would feel excluded. I had very, very much taken to heart the true answer to Sheri Dew’s question, Are We Not All Mothers? I sincerely hope that all LDS women feel the same. As the adopted child of an infertile couple, I know that giving birth is an infinitesimal and nonessential part of mothering (miracle thought it is).
I feel honored to have J writing for us and so appreciate her willingness to share herself with all of you.
Alison, I should look before I ask, but have you clarified this somewhere? It might even be worth a link on the home page so that women can know that your vision is greater than just having a site for those with children. Just a thought.
I love love love that talk by Sheri Dew.
I have an idea. Let me make some alterations to the banner and I’ll submit them tonight to see if you like, Alison.
Thanks for all your comments ladies. I really pondered what I should share for about a week, before I sat down and started to write. I hope that this oppurtunity to share my experiences will be of benifit to many sisters and their families. 🙂
J Anderson aka east-of-eden
Yes, the About page on the old site addressed this. As you know, I haven’t transferred all that stuff yet. Someday it will all get here.
Thanks for the article and for sharing something so difficult. You have really given a good example by your attitude.
Thanks J for the great post. I guess you are going to write normally? Waht will you write about next?
Thank you J for representing us infertile LDS women. You did it eloquently. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Welcome to you, aunt sassy. We hope to see you around here often! 🙂
I have to say that I love you Sasssy!!! Glad you found me here on Mormon Momma.
Chan Jo, I’m still mulling about the things I’m going to write. I think I want to focus on being married w/o kids in the LDS culture, and perhaps some of my expericences as I’ve gone thru infertiltiy. It’s really a subject that few people, unless they have gone thru it, don’t understand. And there are some many sisters suffering in silence thinking they are the “only one”. Perhaps dole out some advice to the fertile on interacting with the infetile. Who knows?? (insert confused look here)
So there is a lot mulling around in the empty space that my brain should occupy–I’m sure I’ll pull something lucid and compeling out, if I get enough cake! 🙂
Look for more soon. Thanks again!
J Anderson
I think it’s good to write about interacting with one another, even if we don’t come from the same mold. I think sometimes we tend to treat people with kid gloves if they aren’t married or don’t have children, in fear of offending them.
My husband and I (my husband especially but myself also, as a volunteer for LDSFS) work a lot with people who have been unable to have children and are in the process of adopting. It has been a great experience for us. And even those of us who do have children might have gone through experiences where we can relate more than people think we can. For example, I didn’t marry young like most of my friends and family did. My little sister had been married for 8 years and had three children before I finally took the step myself! She let me witness the birth of her third child because she thought I might never experience it myself, bless her heart (by the way, the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, since I didn’t really see myself give birth!). So I can understand a bit of the older bride or unwed adult woman because I was there for a time. And while we’ve never had trouble with fertility per se, we’ve had very serious complications with childbirth and pregnancy that have limited the size of our family. We have three beautiful daughters that we are grateful to have, but getting them here was not easy. On my third pregnancy when a very serious problem was found, and it was recommended by several doctors that I not have any more children -that was a loss because we had planned on a big family. So I guess that what I am saying is that even though we might take different paths, we might understand one another better than we think we might if we take the time to understand one another’s challenges.
I’m glad you are addressing these subjects, I think they are important for modern LDS women.
Thank you for writing about your experience. While I married early and have not had fertility problems, I have been close to others who have, and the topic is close to my heart. That said, I agree that I’d love to hear more about interacting with infertile women (or even women who have had children, but who struggle to do so). I never feel like I say the right thing or react in a sensitive way when it is talked about, just because I don’t know what to say.
agardner,
Your experiences sound somewhat similar to mine (married later, younger sister had children before I got married, have health problems that have limited our family size). I wouldn’t want to pretend to understand the struggle of infertility completely, but there is a corner in my heart that has some empathy at some level because the yearning for more children is there, but our circumstances (my body’s limitatations) have made that not possible. That alone has been difficult, so my heart does go out to those for whom infertility is a cross.
I’m glad J is writing because I think it’s an important topic and I think openness about it can help us understand one another, communicate with each other, and learn how to better reach out to each other. Thanks, J.
Just to let you know, Eden, that I am looking forward to more from you. I also have a friend whose situation is similar to yours. She reads but doesn’t post and she keeps asking when you’ll post again.
J-
I looooove you too! Finding you in blogland is one of those silver linings to the whole can’t-get-or-stay-pregnant-no-matter-what-we-do thing.
I think that writing from the perspective of an LDS woman without children, whether it includes infertility or not, is a fantastic idea. You encompass a whole group of women that often feel excluded in the LDS community. But you have also been through a lot with infertility, so you have much to offer when it comes to helping others appreciate what that “unique journey” is like, and how they may help the “infertiles” around them.
I don’t expect that others will “understand’ our struggle just because they read about it here (just as I cannot truly understand the specific heartaches of a widow, having not actually gone through it myself), but every bit of information and knowledge helps. What a valuable tool this is… by hearing/reading about different life situations, I think we can gain more compassion for all of our sisters.
Oregonian,
I will be posting again after the 4th of July holiday, as we will be gone and away from technology–unless you count the hoard of illegal fireworks my bil will be setting off as technology. I didn’t want to write something and then be away for the discussion part which is oh so fun for me. If your friend is really interested in reading more, my blog is at: http://miscarriagejournal.blogspot.com and she is welcome to read away. It’s not very polished, but it’s me.
East-of-Eden
I feel you and I have had quite the same journey. Although a little different circumstances, I feel you truly know the blessings of your trials as well. It took me 10 years to have my first little miracle. Complete infertility from an illness I had. I was in and out of the hospital for five years, in a wheel chair, lost function of kidney, liver, had large intestine removed and told to never have children. I didn’t listen. I have lost five babies but have had three miracles in all. The doctors are still amazed at the odds of having these little ones. Infertility was much much harder than surgeries, hosptial stays, and even losing the ability to hold a job (I was a first grade teacher!!) I am greatful for everyone of these trials as I see you are too. The Lord is preparing you for something great and wonderful!! Watch the amazing blessings come to your life wheather you have children or not. You have touched many peoples lives. I now see the blessings of all my heartache. I celebrate the hardships and rejoice in their lessons!!
Wow Heather, you have had some amazing experiences. Thank you for sharing.
Heather…amazing! Tha’s really all I can say. I’m happy for you, and your children and thank you for sharing a bit of your story! 🙂
What an amazing attitude and a wonderful example to all of us. Thank you for sharing, Heather!
Ditto to all of the above comments, Heather!