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Wah hah!

Irish Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, “You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

“Oh, no. Everyone's fine!” He explains, “I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.”

Media Truth

President Hinckley is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the prophet's tie blows off of his neck and into the water.

The Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but president Bush waves them off, saying, “Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry.” Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the floating tie, bends over, picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the tie to President Hinckley amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Seattle Times, Seattle P.I., Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, Dallas Morning News, San Francisco Chronicle, and Salt Lake Tribune all proclaim: “Bush Can't Swim.”

Gossip Monger

Martha, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of morals, kept sticking her nose into other peoples' business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Martha made a mistake, however, when she accused Sam, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck one afternoon parked in front of the town's only bar.

She commented to him and others that everyone seeing his truck there “would surely know what he was doing.”

Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He did not explain, defend, nor deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Martha's house and left it there all night.

Ask Jonah

A little girl was talking to her school teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

Win, Lose, or Draw

A Primary teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I'm drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Silver Lining

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong that makes me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?”

Keep the Commandments

A Primary teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Back to the Future

Everyone in the class had been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade each child to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or ‘That's Michael, he's a doctor.'” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there's the teacher, she's dead!”

Nothin' In My Noggin

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain't empty.”

Three Wise Women

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.

Mens' Rebuttal:

Yeah, and do you know what they would have said when they left? “Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?”

“That baby doesn't look a bit like Joseph.”

“Can you believe that they let all those disgusting animals in the house?”

“I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now.”

“And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days, too.”

“Want to bet how long it will take you to get your casserole dish back?”

How Many Mormons to Screw In a Light Bulb?

Well, it depends.

If it is the Relief Society sisters, it takes four. One to fix refreshments, one to bring the tablecloth, one to design the centerpiece, and one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they don't do light bulbs. They call a Priesthood Executive Council and delegate it to the elders.

If it is the elders, it takes four. Three that don't show up and one to change the light bulb.

If it is the high priests, it takes four. Two to push the wheelchairs, one to handle the oxygen tank, and one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the home teachers, it only takes two, but you have to wait until the end of the month.

If it is the Young Women, it doesn't take any. They just sit around talking in the dark.

If it is the Young Men, it only takes one. He holds the light bulb in the socket and the whole world revolves around him.

If it is the Primary, it takes twelve. Four cub scouts to do the job and pass off a requirement, one den leader to sign their books, three children to hold up pictures, one chorister to lead everyone in a song, two primary teachers to assist, and one member of the presidency to oversee the whole thing.

Mormon Census

There were three University of Utah students sitting behind three BYU students at the BYU vs. U of U football game.

The Utes decided to antagonize the Cougars, to get them to move. So the first one says loudly to the others, “I think I want to move to New Jersey. There are only 100 Mormons living there!”

The second guy speaks up and says, “I want to move to Boston, there are only 50 Mormons living there!”

The third guy speaks up and says, “I want to move to Arkansas, there are only 25 Mormons living there!”

One of the BYU students turns around and looks all three men in the eye and calmly says, “Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any Mormons there.”

Two Deer Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.