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To the citizens of the United States of America from Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith
Effective immediately, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- The letter ‘U' will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,' ‘favour,' ‘labour' and ‘neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize' will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary.')
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like' and ‘you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u' and the elimination of ‘-ize.'
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups with saucers, and never mugs with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen!
Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
haaaaa!
HA!!! That was hysterical!! What a crack up!!
Who’s our “guest author” on this one? This was a riot!!
hee hee! As a Canadian, I am hysterical. i can’t wait to show my hubs this! I love it!
I guess as America grows closer and closer to becoming a socialist country, it is only wise we would begin to study other nations that have already fallen into socialism. Like England, Canada, France just to name a few. It would also be wise if we would familiarize ourselves with the Qur’an, and the teachings of Allah as the Muslim faith is becoming the predominant faith of the socialist nations.
I really do see the humor in this wee posting, but I also see the horror hiding behind the humor.
God help this nation if we put a radical muslim in the White House this month.
Wally
Love it, and I am in full agreement if they provide fish and chips stands on every corner, markets in every town. Fresh english carrots are the best. And they give us access to their country and ours with no passports so my friends and I can visit whenever we want. Of course, I would be there more than here!!! I would only want to use our doctors and way we have things set up here. Their medical way of doing things is bad–we do not want that!!! And yes, please tell us who shot JFK–we want to know too!
This was hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh. :bigsmile:
nanacarol, other than the fish and chips (and perhaps carrots?) I can’t think of a single food that I really cared for when I lived there. But, the English are not known for their cooking. Or medical care. Or fashion.
Oh, I did buy my best bone china while I lived there though!
what about Yorkshire pudding and gravy???? Ummmmm!
Yea, not bad. And I love trifle. I had the best chocolate mousse of my life. But actually that was made by the mission president’s wife–who was from Salt Lake. 🙂
Wow. That was awesome. I don’t know where to start. The entire premise is hilarious. I can see it coming from a nun at a Catholic school, also.
Alison– who wrote this? It just says Guest Author.
I just realised this might be my favourite funny in a while!
Yes-Kiar you are right—Yorkshire pudding and gravy. Alison, you are the third person who has said the english aren’t known for their food. I am a meat and potatoe girl so the food was great to me. I also love sause on everything and they are good at that. I love their sausage rolls, mincemeat pies, scones and clotted cream. The only place I will eat lamb is England. I even ate steak and kidney pie. It was soooo good. They also make these other pies that you buy in a tin and bake it. They are soooooooooo good. It just like Mummy makes it. They make chukney and I love that.
Ha, Serena, I had to read your comment twice to catch that you added the ‘u’ in favourite! 😉
This evening when Ray read this post, some of the kids came running to see what he was laughing about. My 16 y-o daughter printed it out to take to her history teacher. She is our 3rd child to have him as a teacher and he is a favorite of all 3 of them. He will love it!
nanacarol, I ordered kidney pie at a tea house and the women would NOT serve it to me. Just shook her head. I asked FOUR times. Nothing doing. It was hilarious.
Trying to get a real salad was like ranking out your toenails. “Salad” meant slapping lettuce on a sandwich and when I tried to explain, I ended up with a bowl of cress with half a tomato on top–dry. And I think “vegetables” is a foreign word.
Mincemeat pie is raisin pie that has been left in the sun for three days. Enough said.
My favorite was blood sausage. Not.
Oh, but they had great Levi’s painted-on jeans back in the day, if you were into that. And I got the cutest boots that I actually still wore until they fell apart last year. (I lived there 25 years ago.)
Oh, sorry, Tracy. I don’t know who wrote it. One of the mysterious internet authors.
This is really funny, but I have to nitpick. The character played by Andie MacDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral was actually an American, and was therefore SUPPOSED to speak with an American accent. Take that, anonymous Internet author!
Hee hee.