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A reader writes:
I am just now reading Circle of Sisters articles. I wonder if you have any plans for articles about LDS sisters who have been abused by their “good” LDS husbands and are or have gone through a divorce because of it?
Obviously I am in the midst of that scenario. This has been very traumatic for all concerned, especially children living away from home. The abuse was mostly verbal and emotional with a good measure of sexual abuse taking place behind closed doors over the years.
Yes, my almost-ex-husband was disciplined by the church, but he has never been able to believe that his behavior was abusive. I'm doing OK, as we've been separated for 17 months. I'm working part-time, going back to school, etc. But what is the most difficult is the older children. How do you cope with their anger, taking sides, denial that their dad could do such a thing, insistence that mom must be lying because dad says she is, etc. Have any of you gone through something like this?
I love my children, no matter what they say or do. Dad has asked two of the daughters to testify against me. He has no other character witnesses and is oblivious to the damage this may cause us all. I know this is really off the wall, but maybe there is a sister who has gone through this later in life. If so, I would appreciate your input, counsel, etc. Thanks!
The author of the preceding letter offered her name and any part of her message, hoping to help other sisters in similar circumstances who thought they were alone in this type of trial. We deleted her name, just in case publishing might harm her upcoming case or in any way damage her children.
Jeannie says:
What incredible courage you must have to face this challenge. I can't even fathom the amount of hurt this division in the family must be causing you.
It is so natural for abusers to rally support by coercion and polarization of family and friends. This is extremely frustrating because warfare is covert, destructive, and dishonest. The victims of this dishonesty are left feeling defenseless and, once again, abused by not only the perpetrator, but also by those from whom the greatest support should come.
You cannot control the things your husband says about you to your children. You can't even stop them from appearing as character witnesses. I would suggest trying to reason with him through a third party. If someone could be called to arbitrate, perhaps the horribly destructive ramifications of his decision could be explained. However, he is desperate and may indeed use these desperate means to make his case. Prepare for the worst case scenario, but pray for the best. The Lord can do great things and soften hearts.
I'm sure it's small consolation right now but, in time, all things will come to light. All truths will be revealed—some in this life, some in the life to come. If you conduct yourself in a truly Christlike manner, i.e. not responding with venomous remarks as he would expect, not forcing your children (grown and still at home) to emotionally split their allegiance (as hard as this may be) and, lastly, to keep yourself so above reproach there will be no cause for criticism, I just know that your children will be smart enough to eventually figure things out.
It will take lots of painful time, tears and prayer to stay on top of this monster challenge. Have you had some good counseling? There are support groups for abused women trying to stay independent and strong.
Is there a trusted friend or confidant with whom you can discuss these things? What does your bishop say? He has obviously had dealings with your husband. You need some loving, understanding arms around you at this time and I, for one, will be praying very hard for you.
Please write back and let me know how you are doing.
May the Lord bless you with the necessary strength to make it through the next difficult months.
Much love, Jeannie
Addendum
Alison here. When this was written (over two decades ago), spousal abuse was largely unfamiliar to me. While I had personally known a few who had endured it, it was not something I understood.
You are not remotely alone, sister!
In 2020, my youngest daughter filed for divorce from her husband of two years who was an abuser. I had, with my own eyes, watched someone who seemed like an amazing young man reveal his true personality more and more each day. Even to my husband and me—who only witnessed it peripherally—it was confusing and startling…and then horrifying.
The man I fully accepted as another beloved son, was truly capable of great evil and harm.
My daughter and I have compiled a few resources that helped first her and then us in understanding this behavior and then protecting her from it. This will at least give a place to start.
Is This Abuse? resources
Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
Sparki in Washington, writes:
Aaahhh! You have begun a discussion of one of my favorite topics. I think you’re right;, many families today seem to be afflicted by adversity, abuse, divorce, etc., and are clearly subject to the power of the adversary because of disobedience and broken covenants D&C 93:39.
The Lord told Frederick G. Williams and Sidney Rigdon that the affliction in their lives was the direct result of their failure to teach their children light and truth. Then He promised them that if they would set in order their own houses, they would be delivered from their afflictions D&C 93:40-45. Elder Stephen D. Nadauld, in his book Principles of Priesthood Leadership, has written that the fundamental responsibility of every Melchizedek Priesthood leader is to be a teacher of the plan of redemption first in the home, and second, in the Church., ” ?to teach it by faith and to work at accomplishing its ordinances and living its principles.”
If it is the fundamental responsibility of a Melchizedek Priesthood holder to teach the plan of redemption to his family, is his wife exempt from this responsibility? No, I don’t believe so. A wife shares this responsibility with her husband by virtue of the new and everlasting covenant of marriage, which is an order of the Melchizedek Priesthood. Ideally, a husband and wife should work as a team in accomplishing the fundamental responsibilities of the home, including teaching the plan of redemption to their children. I believe husband and wife both share in the administrative as well as the “ministrative” duties in the home just as the Priesthood administers within the Church as well as ministers to its members.
Unfortunately, we see many husbands as well as wives who do not understand their roles or responsibilities in the home. The result is the same in these families as it was in the lives of Presidents Sidney Rigdon and Frederick G. Williams. These families are afflicted by adversity and are subject to the power of the adversary. Therefore, the solution and the promise of deliverance applies as much to families today as it did for Sidney Rigdon and Frederick G. Williams. “Set in order your own house.”
I think what many of us fail to realize our power as women. Truman C. Madsen said, “Woman innately has power to enliven, quicken, nourish, and magnify” man intellectually, spiritually, creatively and physically. This concept is embodied in the Hebrew term used to describe Eve’s creation as a “help-meet.” While the English translation connotes an assistant of lesser or inferior status, the Hebrew word (ezer-kenegdo) actually describes an equal. So, a more accurate translation of the phrase means woman was created as a “power or strength equal to” man.
As sisters and members of the Church, we are familiar with the scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants that addresses the issue of unrighteous dominion D&C 121:36-41. Perhaps we would do better to focus less on the blame sometimes given as ‘unrighteous dominion’ and seek to use our power to enliven, quicken, nourish and magnify husbands and children by use of the principles of righteousness: “persuasion ?long suffering ?gentleness and meekness ?love unfeigned ?kindness ?pure knowledge ?charity ?faith ?and virtue” D&C 121:41-45.
As a former seminary teacher, one of the lessons I looked forward to most was Lehi’s final counsel to his sons and their families 2 Nephi 1-3.
I just love the part where father Lehi says, ” ?arise from the dust, my sons, and be men ?” 2 Nephi 1:21. His was a call to step out of the darkness of ignorance, as well as unrighteous dominion, and into the light of truth; a call to understand what it is to be a man in the eyes of God. While the same scripture can be applied to us as daughters and women, many of us have thrilled more recently to Sheri Dew’s call to rise up and be women of God. The power is in us and we are agents unto ourselves to do many things of our own free will and bring to pass much righteousness D&C 58:27-28.
Sparki, do you know how blessed I feel to have my own personal seminary teacher in my den this soggy wintry evening to expound on this powerful, much maligned and misunderstood doctrine? What a truly magnificent thing is the internet. I feel as if I, as much as any goofy teenager, need to be re-aligned and inspired anew regarding these elegantly perfect eternal principles. Modern psychology has simply decimated these timeless verities, and I think it’s time we Latter-day Saint women, as Sheri has noted, throw out the whole woebegone mess we have been reading and listening to, and start over. I think your essay is breathtaking. Your inspired and scripturally informed logic is unassailable.
Your message reminds me of a similar concept described by Amy Tan in Kitchen God’s Wife. She too mentions the notion that a woman’s duty is to absorb all the sorrow for her family. But, of course, her spin on this is that of a toxic misconception from a bygone era.
Much of our recent socialization would lead us to read disdain into Roy W. Doxey, Truman C. Madsen, and Stephen R. Covey, to name a few writers who have publicly stated or published the truism that women are spiritually superior and expected to over-perform in areas where their husbands under-perform. To a misguided reader, even if she is LDS and should understand the context and intent, this sort of thing can read manipulative and potentially abusive at worst, or patronizing and suspect at best. (“Now there’s a good girl! Run and do the dishes while I lie on the couch and watch the game.” Spiritually superior wifelette trots into the kitchen happily while the men of the family lounge in front of the TV.) Thanks for wiping away that little driblet of cynicism!
Thanks from the absolute rock-bottom of my heart for your careful thought, thorough preparation (over many years, obviously) and clarification.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who will feel literally enlightened and straightened out, as only “orthodox” (“straight doctrine”) instruction can do. I am so excited to publish your letter!! Again, many thanks.