LJ writes:

Hello sisters. I've been dating a guy for two months now and I really like him. He's a great LDS guy and things are progressing. I think we have a future together. The only problem is that he has had a problem with pornography addiction over the past ten years. Some of my friends think I should dump him because of that, but he's been sober for three months now with only a couple of slip-ups and is really open and honest with me about his temptations and mistakes.

We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. I think that he deserves a chance to be happy and to have love and a family, just like the rest of us. But two of my friends won't let it go. I'd ask my mom, but I don't want to cloud her perception of him with his past mistakes. Could you tell me what you think?

Tracy says:

It may not seem so now, but I can tell you without any equivocation that the decision you make about dating this guy will be a major contributing factor to the rest of your life, whether you end up marrying him or not. Because if your willing to continue to pursue this relationship, knowing what you know, then it says a lot about who you're likely to date in the future.

First, let's start with the last thing you said, “I'd ask my mom, but I don't want to cloud her perception with his past mistakes.” First, we're not talking about “the past,” are we? In three months he's had “slip-ups.” So he might have slipped up last week? Yesterday? Ten minutes ago? Second, think about what you said: you “don't want to cloud her perception.”

You don't? Isn't that exactly what you want to do? Telling the truth won't “cloud her perception.” Hiding the truth will cloud it.

For her to have an accurate perception, she'd have to know the truth. The truth is how things really are. She can't have an accurate perception without the truth. You're only allowing her to see and know, what you want her to see and know.

Be honest with yourself. You don't want her to know how things really are; you want to cloud her perception. You want her to think that he's this great guy with no serious hang ups. You like him, so you want her to like him. You're not allowing her to have a true perception. And you know she wouldn't approve of him if she knew the truth, so you're clouding her perception of him, by withholding the truth.

I promise you, you have no idea the huge problem that pornography is in this young man's life. For you to say “he's a great LDS guy…” and “the only problem is a pornography addiction” demonstrates that you don't understand how horrible and far-reaching such an addiction really is.

You said that he's had this problem for ten years. Someone with a ten year addiction is not “sober” in three months. Besides, you can't be sober and have a few “slip-ups”. Slipping up means that he's not sober. Don't you see that? You're either committing the sin or you're not, right? You've either fully repented, or you haven't. If he's “slipping up” then he hasn't fully repented. He hasn't had the change of heart that comes with true repentance.

He might want to stop, but the pornography has such a huge power over him, that he's continuing to do it. And I can almost guarantee you that he's looking at it more than he's admitting. People with addictions do this all the time. They admit to “a little something here” and “a little something there.” But they never tell the whole truth. They only tell just enough to make you think they're telling the truth.

And you must know that looking at pornography is not an isolated sin. I'm not trying to gross anyone out, but the truth is the truth, and this is too important to not address. People don't just “look” at pornography. They do “other things” while they're looking at it. If he's been looking at pornography for ten years then he's been those “other things” for ten years, too. And if he does that, then it's likely that he's been committing several other sins of immorality with other people.

You said “he deserves to be happy.” Do any of us “deserve” to be happy?

Happiness isn't something that we deserve. It's something that we pursue, something that we earn. If you really think about it, happiness is almost like a reward. Isn't happiness the result of the good and righteous choices we've made? Remember the quote “wickedness never was happiness”? He can't be happy as long as he continues in his sin.

Does Heavenly Father want him to be happy? Of course! Does Heavenly Father want this young man to do as you said and get married and have a family? Of course he does…. eventually, after he's fully repented. Plus, any therapist will tell you, he'd have to go for at least a good two years to be considered “addiction free.” This young man can't even go for three months! Families are ripped apart and destroyed by this. Is that a chance you're willing to take? Especially when he's still dealing with it and hasn't given it up yet?

He's a tormented soul right now. The last thing he needs is to be dating. But you know what? The person I'm the most concerned about right now is you. Think about some of the things you said:

  • You've only been dating him for two months.
  • Already, you're talking about possibly having “a future together”
  • And that's despite the fact that he's had a pornography addiction for ten years

Sweetheart, think deeply about yourself for a minute. What is it about you, that makes this picture look attractive to you? Why, once you found out about his problem, would you continue to be interested, when there are young men out there who are worthy now, who don't have this problem, and won't suffer the effects of it for the rest of their lives, the way this young man most likely will? Why are you so desperate for a relationship that you're willing to accept this, instead of pursuing a different guy who doesn't come with so much baggage? Why have you set such a low standard?

What makes it worse, is this guy is still involved in the sin. So he can't worthily exercise the priesthood, bless the Sacrament or pass it. He can't worthily hold callings, or say an opening or closing prayer at church….why is that attractive to you? Don't you want more than this?

I'm going to make a huge leap. And forgive me if this seems too forward, but remember, you have complete anonymity. I don't know who you are, and neither does anyone else.

I have the feeling that things have already gone too far between you and this young man.

To what extent? I can't say. Only you know the answer to that. But let me tell you why I feel this way.

First, a young woman who has kept herself morally clean and has no feelings of shame, would not continue to date a young man once she found out that he had such a horrible and wanton addiction, one that's lasted for so long, and one that he continues to “slip up” on. It would be an automatic turn off. And second, it would explain why you already feel so attached to him, that your willing to sort of “brush off” one of the most far-reaching, and life altering sins.

Please don't misunderstand, I am not saying that someone who's kept all the standards of chastity could never be interested in someone who hasn't. Someone who has repented is clean before the Lord. He remembers it no more. That's the miracle of forgiveness. And there are plenty of people who have truly repented of sexual sin and were then worthy to marry in the temple, to someone who'd remained clean. But, if this guy had been shooting up with heroine for ten years, and was sober for only three months (except for a few slip-ups here and there when he gave in to the temptation) would you have written in telling us that you think you might have a future together? That everyone makes mistakes and he deserves to be happy and have a family and children?

Well isn't this the same?

Sweetheart do you feel so unworthy that this looks “good” to you? If so, why? Whether your lack of self-worth is from sin or something else, please don't settle like this.

If you have need to repent, repent. Stop torturing yourself. Bishops don't yell at you like some angry parent. You know what they do? They cry with you. Literally. They pray with you. They pray for you. They help you to become clean and truly happy.

If I was completely wrong and you're relationship with this man is totally innocent, then keep it that way and call it off. Because I promise you, you can't be in a romantic relationship with a man who has an addiction to pornography and sexual sin and maintain you're own virtue. He'll pressure you, push you a little further each time, slowly knocking down your defenses and in the heat of the moment, you'll eventually succumb.

Your friends are right. And you know what? I think that when you're laying in bed at night, and your all alone in the quiet, you know you shouldn't be in this relationship. You probably tell yourself you're going to make some changes, that you're going to be strong and do what's right. But then in the morning, your determination seems to have faded away right along with the moonlight.

I wish we were in the same room. I'd throw my arms around you, look you straight in the eye and beg you to end this relationship.
You're a daughter of God. A spark of the Divine is woven through your entire soul.

Come on girl, dig deep. It's in you. Find that, and you won't ever have to ask this kind of question again.

Alison says:

LJ, would you be offended if I beat my head against a rock and then chased you down the street with a pea shooter?

Here's my advice:

  1. Dump
  2. Run

Any questions?