I read the obituaries from my hometown newspaper everyday now. It's not that I love dwelling on morbidity, it's that as I get older, so do the people I know. Almost every week I see someone I knew, usually friends of my parents or the parents of a friend. It's sad to see the next generation moving on. I feel too young (and insecure) to be losing the companionship and guidance of the older, wiser generation.
As I read, however, I am sometimes struck by the mark some people left behind, by the impact they had on others, by how they changed their corner of the world.
Of course, obituaries are about the least reliable thing in print. You know how people tend to be sainted the moment they die. Everyone who dies “was kind and loving to everyone they met,” “was a perfectionist in all s/he did,” and will be “greatly missed by all.” All! You have no idea how many people you're missing. And is there anyone who didn't fight the disease of their demise either “courageously” or “valiantly”? Which seems to suggest to me that if you want to survive a deadly illness, you should be a whiner. There are no complainers who ever make it to page four.
Anyway, I don't much care what my own obituary says. I just hope my survivors don't put anything insane like, “She was adored by all who knew her.” (Even my own family doesn't likely have the gumption to lie that blatantly on my behalf.) But, I do want to “leave a legacy.” I take that back. We all leave a legacy, whether we intend to or not. I want to leave an amazing legacy.
To be sure, I haven't grown up enough to decide exactly what the creation of an amazing legacy entails. I haven't envisioned exactly what that means. I just know that I don't want my legacy to be just whatever happens to pop up in the remaining 30+ years I hope to spend here. I want it to be deliberate and purposeful and I want it to include more than some housework, some callings, and some hanging out.
Time to create the kind of life that leaves the legacy I'm shooting for.
I never thought about how I’d be remembered. I have to think about that.
What do you all hope to be remembered for?
Sorry, I forgot to say i really liked the article you wrote. Funny and made me think about my life.
Thanks, partone. I’d like the same feedback you ask for. Let’s first bring up the “Primary answers” and then move on from there.
I guess by that you mean the answers that Primary kids would know? ha ha Like this?
I would like to be remembered as:
a good mom
a loving wife
a faithful disciple
a thoughtful neighbor
dependable
honest
loving
fair
How am I doing so far?
I want to be remembered for having been;
Honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous and one who was contintually doing good to all mankind. 🙂
Seriously though, I think I would want it to say something similar to what I wrote as the last paragraph of the introduction to my personal history.
…I hope that the reader will finish this, knowing that I’ve recognized the hand of a loving Father in Heaven in my daily life; that even in times of trial and hardship, I was never alone and was being richly blessed. I hope that the reader will know that I had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, of priesthood, modern and personal revelation, of the restoration through Joseph Smith, of living prophets, temples, eternal families and The Book of Mormon; that even with all my faults, shortcomings and transgressions, I was loved by a wonderful family, a righteous mother, a wonderful husband, the four most precious children on the planet, a gracious Father in Heaven and a merciful and faithful Savior ? and that I love them too, more than words could ever say.
I answered what I would want in mine in “The Oprah Trap,” but I’d like to add that even if I die tomorrow, I’ve already left a pretty great legacy: my children. Being an Eleanor Roosevelt or Rosa Parks would look great in a post-mortem biography, but I’d be willing to bet that the most important thing to even those women was their families, with their neighbor coming in second. When you think of the billions of people who have already died in this world, who am I to claim a greater difference than any other? Two or three generations surviving me won’t know me for anything other than a name on the family tree, yet I’ll still be satisfied if my family is.
Oregonian, notice how your sphere of influence doesn’t spread very wide, but rather so very deep?
I would never say that it’s wrong or bad to seek to influence or affect others beyond one’s friends and family with a desired legacy. Without it, we wouldn’t have the progress we enjoy or philosophy or missionaries or even Harry Potter, to name a few. One’s legacy is for that one to decide, as it can vary by individual. Alison, with your blog you reach people (even your virtual neighbors) in many positive ways. What if that legacy we’re all trying so hard for is something we’ve already attained?
Barring primary answers, I don’t know what I’d want people to remember me as that is attainable. To be honest – trying to figure that out touches some painful self-analyzing spots.
This makes me feel all Covey-like. Seven Habits, anyone? Alison, all that beach air has gotten you mulling lots about life, hasn’t it? 🙂
Seriously, though, it’s a great question. A lot of what I want to be remembered by is typical — service, faithfulness. I want to be remembered as one who loved learning, writing and the gospel. Anything beyond that is probably left to be discovered as life continues to unfold. 🙂
I also hope my children have lots of children so I can have big numbers in the posterity section. 🙂
I guess my feeling is that (and I’m not speaking about YOU, personally) it’s not that hard to leave children behind. All it takes is a few minutes to get that going. As an adoptee, I wouldn’t say that my birth mother left a “great legacy” just because she didn’t abort me although I am grateful that she didn’t.
I’d like to add some thoughts to this discussion. I agree with PlaneJane et. al. that our families are the most important thing we are here for. But just BEING here, isn’t what I’d call a great legacy for our children. What would a great legacy be, even if it was confined specifically to our nuclear family? In other words, what makes a great wife? A great mother?
Who are you not to?
But I should further clarify that I’m not talking, at least not exclusively, about fame or the kind of accomplishment that will render one famous. I don’t equate greatness with fame. (In fact, aren’t some of the most famous people the least worthy of note?)
Another point about serving our families. My six kids are spread out in 16 years. That means that I’ll be parenting minor children for 34 years straight. Obviously if I’m an attentive parent, that will take up a great deal of my time and resources. But does it take it all? Do I have time to do great things, still? I do!
I’ll be 58 when my baby is an adult. That leaves me, I’m hoping, 15-20 years (YEARS!) of reasonably obligation-free time to do something great. How many missions could we serve? How much family history? How many temple sessions? How many young mothers could I help? How many speeches could I give? How many books could I write? How many leper bandages could I crochet? (OK, probably only two. I’ve been working on the same one now for FIVE years…)
Beats the heck out of Mah Jongg.
I appreciate that. It was (and is) my hope to create a place for LDS women who think and ponder and are strong individuals, but are faithful and dedicated. You all contribute so much. Perhaps that is a good example of what I mean. This site isn’t huge and it’s sure not making me famous, but it is something I CAN do, right now, in the midst of raising my kids. I can provide something to others because I have some coding knowledge and a server. What else can I do with what I have in my current situation?
To me, that’s impossible. If I’m still alive and kicking, then I’ve got more to contribute, so stopping isn’t an option. At least it’s not an option that leaves the legacy intact. If I decide I’ve done enough, and pack up to watch old movies, then part of my legacy will be that, at some point, I thought movies were more important than all the other things I could have chosen. There is no point at which my legacy can be considered ‘attained.”
Alison,
Go listen to Elder and Sister Holland’s talk from Women’s Conference. They touched on this I think. Was an inspirational talk even if I’m remembering correctly…. 🙂
Wow! It’s taken quite a journey to try to track down a way to say, “Hello!” to Alison! I can’t find an email, so I’ll just say hello here and hope you see this. Please email me at Sharilee@AmericaTakingAction.com. If you have forgotten who I am, we served in the Relief Society Presidency together back at BYU. I can’t wait to hear from you and get caught up.
As far as leaving a legacy— that is a GREAT question. Besides all of the usual things, here are a few things that my family and friends will remember about me:
* I hope my children remember (with fond memories!) me singing in the car, and at home, and changing the words to fit whatever the event is.
* I hope I will be remembered as someone who spent her life anxiously engaged in many good causes and having a positive impact in whatever community I live.
* I hope to be remembered as someone who loved good books and promoting literacy throughout the world.
* I hope to be remembered as a philanthropist with my time, energy, and money.
* I hope my friends will remember me as a connector who was always able to stay on a higher consciousness no matter what was going on around me and able to lift and bless the lives of everyone around me (which means I need to work harder at being that!)
* Most of all, I hope that I will be remembered as a mother, sister and friend who spent my life trying to make righteous choices, repenting when I fall short, and always trying to become more like my Father in Heaven.
Can’t wait to hear from you, Alison!
Michelle, I can’t find it online and I can only find transcripts up to 2006. Do you have a link?
I want my husband and children to remember that I loved them, deeply, completly. Always.
I have been thinking about this for the past few days. I have worked with hospice for the past few years and I have learned a couple of things I think. First of all I will write my own obituary. I will probably be more honest than my family would be and I won’t have to worry about anything sappy or overly emotional in it. The second thing I think I have learned is that if you really think all of those wonderful things about someone, don’t wait until you write their obituary or eulogy to tell them. I think the luckiest people are those who have heard all those wonderful things long before they died…and I think that the people who say those nice things are awfully lucky too.
As for me I think that something that I would want to be able to say is that I tried my hardest and did my best with whatever I had to do. Not that I succeeded at everything or even did well, there are many things to be learned from failures and mistakes, but just that I did my best.
I think that was the most profound thing said about this entire subject.
Thanks, Rebecca!:thumbup:
http://www.byub.org/womensconf/ — Scroll to the bottom of the page and you will see the audio/video links of the few talks they have rebroadcast.
Beautiful, Rebecca.
Thanks, Michelle. Sheesh, scrolling should have been obvious.
As I’ve thought more about this, there are a number of things I would really like to be remembered for that I would not be if I died tomorrow. For example, I’d love to be the kind of person who always lifts others up, smiles, says a kind word, etc. That’s something I don’t do, but could pretty easily if I just thought about it (oh, and changed my entire personality…)
As I remember, Alison, you did a lot of lifting people up!
Granted, you intimidated me at first with that gorgeous red head and those hats– in fact, you are one of my favorite stories on church callings because I have never argued as long with the Lord as I argued with Him when He made it clear you were to be my 1st Counselor. Here I was brand new in the ward, newly married, and He wanted me to ask for YOU as a Counselor. I kept thinking “Just call her as President! I don’t want to have that put together, incredibly talented woman watching every move I make and every mistake I make!” But the Lord always knows best and YOU were among the incredible blessings in my life from that calling. You did a lot of lifting, gave out a lot of smiles, and I remember many kind words! You are a great individual and I am glad to have known you!
By the way, Rebecca– your whole post was beautiful. I agree with facethemusic, and I LOVE your last paragraph!
Holy cow, THAT Sharilee??? How are you, girl?
Oh, my. You argued with God over me. And I know why, too. I am stunned to tears. Perhaps that’s a story that deserves to be told someday.
I still have all the hats. 🙂
Alison,
BTW, welcome home! 😉
And I have never met you in person, but you do give out a lot of smileys. :bigsmile:
Alison,
ROFL! Didn’t you think it was odd that they sustained me as the new Relief Society President with a 2nd Counselor and Secretary but no 1st Counselor? They came to me on Saturday afernoon and said they wanted names by Sunday. In spite of the fact I didn’t even know anyone yet, within a matter of hours the Lord had revealed my full presidency to me. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my church callings. However, all I could focus on was my own fears of not measuring up to you. Only 24 hours into the experience I was still pretty convinced that I knew more than the Lord, or maybe I should say that I was still letting my fears rule. I didn’t even know you, but I could tell you had it all together!! I took the Lord 3 other names bargaining with Him, which He kindly refused— what a blessing for me that He didn’t give in to petty little fears of inadequacy!! I learned a great deal from you, and when I left the ward and you were called to replace me the story came full circle for me. I will never forget you coming to me in tears saying, “Why me? I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I’m prepared for this.” I remember just smiling to myself and knowing that the Lord had been preparing you all along. That was such a lesson to me to remember that it isn’t always about ME! Here I was worried about my own little petty fears of not measuring up when the Lord saw the big picture and He wasn’t focused on my little presidency, but the ongoing leadership in that ward and preparing someone to take over when I was gone.
Oh the lessons we learn!
Now you know the rest of the story.
Wow. I’m speechless, and that doesn’t happen very often. I am also in tears . . . now that does happen hourly as the Lord continually sends incredible blessings into my life as He did today when He led me to re-connect with you.
I have always been so grateful that I didn’t just forge ahead and turn in someone else’s name, which it would have been so easy to do. The Bishopric REALLY wanted to put everyone in together that day. They kept asking me to pray again and give them a name, and I can’t tell you how close I came to just giving them the name I was thinking, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As Joseph Smith said, “I knew, and I knew God knew I knew”, and I just couldn’t go against it, in spite of the tremendous fear I had of being inadequate next to you (you do get that my fear was a compliment, right? It’s not that I didn’t ‘want’ you– it’s that I was so afraid of being so much ‘less than’ you!)
In spite of the bishopric’s repeated requests for a name, I just couldn’t turn in the name I had selected because I knew it wasn’t what God wanted. I delayed and bought myself another week thinking we could figure something out, come to some kind of compromise . . . and that is exactly what I suppose we did . . . but it wasn’t the compromise I had in mind. The compromise was that I trust Him and He would be there for me and would bless me and would make me equal to the task. In the very instant that I agreed in my heart to do what I knew the Lord wanted me to do, the fear fled and I felt an instant bond and love for you. I always found it so interesting that He did make me equal to the task— ofttimes through you. When I had my baby you were the one who carried on. Whenever I couldn’t be there you carried on. You were always there and I felt perhaps a deeper partnership with you than even some of the others I served with. I used to marvel at how the Lord had blessed me and how much I learned from you. Of course, I thought He had been so insistent because He knew you would be such a blessing in my life and I was so grateful that I hadn’t just turned in a different name and missed out on that opportunity. I am now doubly grateful as I realize, once again, it wasn’t all about ME! Gee . . . it’s time to learn that lesson, I guess!
Thank you for sharing the rest of the story!
Alison, I love your discussions because you and others always help me see things in different ways. I still think our children are the greatest thing we can leave behind, but maybe I should add that it is our children, properly loved, served, guided, and prepared for life that is the greatest thing. Yep, anyone can pop out a child, but it takes something added to raise that child well enough to leave a positive legacy instilled.
I like your next comments: “What would a great legacy be, even if it was confined specifically to our nuclear family? In other words, what makes a great wife? A great mother?” I think that most of things others have mentioned here would do just fine. (I wonder if I could hire facethemusic to write my obituary? Oops, am I typing aloud my thoughts again?) You also ask “Who are you not to” claim a greater difference than any other who has passed before. As an LDS woman, I do hold myself to higher standards than the world holds generally, so in that aspect I do expect more of myself. A whole lot more, as a wife, mother, and just plain person.
There was an article in the Church News this weekend about a couple, 90- and 89-years old, who have based their 65-year marriage on service. It was pretty darn inspiring. When my kids are all 18 (in 17 years and 4-1/2 months, to be exact), I hope I can continue to serve and not rest on my laurels, which I imagine will be sagging along with everything else by then. Intentions are not worth anything if I don’t act on them.
Anyway, I suppose you’re right. If we’re still living, we can’t have attained our legacies, we can’t have finished all there is to do. God put us here to endure to the end, not to endure to the first day of kindergarten, when we can sit at home and eat bonbons and watch soap operas (who really does that, anyway?). A good legacy probably takes a good lifetime, even if your life is short.
Great post, Jane! If I didn’t homeschool, I would cross-stitch this on a sampler!
Now I’m intrigued. How did you mean? You’d want your obit in song form?
A friend of mine sent me this a long time ago. I like the idea of having completely worn myself out in the service of others and thinking that I had an amazing time living.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, caffeine free Coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn
out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
That is awesome! (And I don’t use the sacred 80’s cliche lightly.)
Oh, I just realized that I missed Sharilee’s first post up there. Seems we were posting at the same time and so when I came back to thread, the first I saw was her second post.
Sharilee, great list way up there. That’s what I’m talking about! 🙂
facethemusic, I was referring to what you wrote as part of your family history introduction. Although on second thought, a song would be nice, too! 🙂
I still have lots of thinking to do before I could come up with what I’d want my obit to say, but as I was reading this thread I was thinking about my grandpa’s funeral and the legacy he left. It was mentioned that every single one of his children and grandchildren that was of age was temple worthy. And every single one was present for the funeral except one that was serving a mission.
I know that it is not all the patriarch’s (or matriarch’s) burden to bring each child into the kingdom, they each have their own life to live and choices to make and some will not always make the right choices. However, how many times have you heard stories about someone who leaves the church and of their hundreds of descendants, sadly, only one or two find the gospel generations down the line? My grandpa lived his life in such a way, and was so valiant (as was my grandma), that not one of their descendents ever doubted their commitment to the church. And while some had wandered in life, by that time, everyone had come back. I would love nothing better than to look down on my own funeral and have the same thing said about my progeny.
What a wonderful and appropriate desire and intention. I love your statement that not one of their descendants ever doubted their commitment to the church. I also hope to live my life in such a way that my children will never doubt my commitment to the church or ever wonder if I have a testimony.
Thank you for sharing, Rachel!