- We believe that elders should move pianos, washers and several 50-pound bags of storage wheat through narrow hallways, tight door jams and up at least one flight of stairs.
- We believe that the Relief Society is called to provide meals for the needy. We do not beleive that the priesthood cooks for anyone–unless it is done outside, or for the missionaries. And then it is limited to ordering pizza.
- We believe in tuna casserole with stale crackers or old potato chip topping, served in a Tupperware dish with a piece of masking tape on the bottom that reads, “Jones, Smith or Brown.” And as a side dish, we beleive that green Jell-o with shaved carrot topping should be served at all church functions, including funnerals.
- We believe that women should stop having children at 35, because 36 is too many.
- We believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy. But it is OK to watch professional sports as long as the athlete is a descendant of Brigham Young, a convert to the church, or owns an NBA team in Salt Lake City.
- We beleve that drinking caffeinated drinks is not a violation of the Word of Wisdom if they are cold and carbonated.
- We believe that ward phone lists are good multimarketing tools.
- We believe that Sunday drives are OK as long as it's not a speed boat or a dirt bike.
- We believe in enduring to the end the stake high counselor's talk and callings to work in the nursery.
- We believe that sleeping on the floor during General Conference is OK.
- We believe that ex-Mormons who write anti-Mormon literature are not going to heaven.
- We believe that sleeping during Sacrament Meeting is the highest form of meditation.
- We believe in kicking our sons out of the house at age nineteen, sending them to a foreign country like Ecuador, Puerto Rico, Florida, or Mongolia for two years, and telling them that they will return as men because of it. While at the same time sending them dozens of stale cookies and wasting postage by by mailing one shoe at a time. We also believe in kicking our daughters out for eighteen months when they turn twenty-one, as long as they are not seriously dating a returned missionary with an MBA who owns his own home and is in a bishopric or Elder's Quorum Presidency of his singles ward.