All opinions are always 100% honest and my own. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. I also participate in: CJ Affiliate; eBay Partner Network; Rakuten Affiliate Network; ShareASale; Walmart Affiliate Program; independent affiliate networks.

While purging my hard drive, I came across multiple files that had Christmas jokes. I do not know why I saved these. I plead the 5th. But here you are, for your holiday enjoyment. Or something.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
A: Santa clues!

Q: What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Q: What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
A: Santapplause!

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!

Q: Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
A: Because they both have sandy claws!

Q: What do you call it when Father Christmas takes a coffee break?
A: Santa pause!

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

Q: What do angry mice send at Christmas?
A: Cross mouse cards.

Q: Where does Santa Claus keep his red suit?
A: In his Santa closet.

Q: Why does Santa have a house at the North Pole?
A: Because he's too fat to squeeze into an igloo!

Q: What's red and white and full of holes?
A: Swiss Kringle!

Q: Why does Santa hire elves to make his toys?
A: Because they make short work of the job!

Q: What is Frosty's favorite dinner?
A: Spaghetti and snowballs.

Q: What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.

Q: Why did the elf paint himself green?
A: He was moonlighting as a leprechaun.

Q: Why do we kiss under the mistletoe?
A: Because it's more fun than shaking hands.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite Christmas song?
A: I'm Dreaming of a Bite Christmas.

Q: What amphibian do we hang in doorways at Christmas?
A: Mistletoad.

Q: What would you call it if your wedding day was Decembr 25th?
A: A marry Christmas!

Q: In the Middle Ages, what did most people get for Christmas?
A: The plague.

Q: Who had a beard, webbed feet, and wrote A Christmas Carol?
A: Charles Duckens.

Q: What's red and white and blue all over?
A: A candy cane holding its breath!

Q: What do you call a fear of being trapped in a chimney with a fat man?
A: Santa Claustrophobia!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Santa with a giraffe?
A: St. Neck!

Q: What would you get if you crossed one of Santa's helpers with the King of Rock ‘n' Roll?
A: Elfis Presley!

Q: What has fins, a tail, and is mailed to you at Christmas?
A: A Christmas cod.

Q: What did Santa say to his misbehaving reindeer?
A: Shape up or I'll get a gnu crew.

Q: Why don't elves play in the NBA?
A: They just don't measure up.

Q: What is Santa's favorite American state?
A: Idaho-ho-ho!

Q: What do Santa's helpers make the day before Christmas?
A: Eight dollars an hour plus time and a half for overtime!

Q: What is a monster's favorite Christmas poem?
A: The Fright Before Christmas!

Q: What would you have if Santa brought you a kitten and a puppy?
A: A meowy Christmas and a yappy New Year.

Q: Why was Santa's sick helper reluctant to go to the hospital?
A: Because he didn't have elf insurance!

Q: What has four legs, a hump, and is found at the North Pole?
A: A lost camel.

Q: What goes “Ho-Ho-Ho-Swish”?
A: Santa drilling a jump shot!

Q: What happens when Christmas angels meet?
A: They both say, “Halo!”

Q: Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!

Q: What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: You get tinselitis.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp cringle.

Q; If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missle-toe

Q: What do Elfs learn at Elf school?
A: The elfabet.

Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.