Maybe I'm weird, but never in my 50 years of Mormondom have I hung my head and cried:

Oh, if only I could have wine with dinner, my entire life would be complete!

Freedom from the Oppression of the Word of Wisdom

Here are some other things I've never said:

My life is empty without getting sloppy drunk at least three or four times in my life!

I've always wondered what a screaming hangover feels like. Mormons are so deprived!

Coffee. Oh, please heavenly beings, just let me have coffee and I will do whatever you ask of me!

So it's always an oddity to me when people decide to get edgy about being Mormon and one of the first things they do is to “boldly” and “courageously” break the Word of Wisdom. Often as not, they do it by loudly proclaiming their newfound freedom on social media. (As in, “I'm going to drink for the first time after being freed from the oppressive shackles of Mormondom and I want it to be epic! Who wants to help me get soused?!” As if it proves how radically free and independent they (finally) are.

No, sirree, bishop, you aren't the boss of me. I can have the beverage of my choice and you can't stop me!

Personally, no matter how I feel about being Mormon in general at any given time, I've always been really grateful for the Word of Wisdom. It has saved me lots of money and probably lots of problems, too. Having a rather addictive personality (as well as a history of migraines), it wouldn't surprise me at all if (had it seemed an option) I had “self-medicated” myself to the point of needing a few weeks in rehab to dry out.

I just can't see a lot of good that has come to the world because of drinking and smoking or even coffee. So—and you can quote me on this—should I ever fall off the church wagon (and I have no plans to), it won't be over my intense desire to imbibe.