Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world that relations without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless being of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sounds like my dad.
#10 had me laughing until I cried. Darlin’ hubby is a veteran and threatens to act just about like that when the time comes. Our girls are going to kill him. :shamed: “Daddeeeee!! How could you? I’ll never date again!” And he’ll just nod and smile and say, “That was the idea.”
My mom just put the shotgun shells on the piano, nicely lined up. They never knew the gun was at my grandpa’s, none in our house, but we had the shells :bigsmile:
These are pretty funny.
my husband loves these rules, and our daughters are only 6 1/2 and in the womb! he is breathing a huge sigh of relief that he will be through the police academy this coming year, and be well established by the time our oldest can date! Plus he is training our two sons to stop any boys that might so much as look at our oldest. (the little boys in our neighborhood are also being trained accordingly.) Its like he wants to form a small army of “no one comes near the Shaw girls ever” boys. His excuse: “I was a little boy once, So I know!”
why are men so protective of girls, and not of their sons????
For real, espcially if they were “little boys once” you would think they would have them on lock down just as much.
Exactley!!!!!
No–it is because they know what teenages boys are thinking about because they know what they were thinking about as teenage boys–and they don’t want any boy thinking those things about their baby girls. My hubby says the same thing, our daughter is 3–good luck to her! (:
When I look for a girl, I like to know her family so I can know what she’s really like. If the family were hostile, I’d just say: “Sorry, it’s not going to work out,” and date someone else. However, jack mormons don’t care about this and they’ll quickly size you up and figure out what it takes to get what they want. This I know.
Ditto, Steven. If the family is hostile, it doesn’t work for me. Plenty of other nice girls with nice families. I’ve dated a few girls with parents like this one. I simply “pass” and move on. Good luck finding a quality guy for your daughter.
Some of you need to get out more. On dates, actually.
Alison Moore Smith recently posted…The Power of September 20th
My son just finished dating a sweet Mormon girl who can’t stand her parents and their Mormon rules. A bunch of hypocrites for sure. Her father who is the strict one has been divorced 6 times. Keep pushing your rules on these young girls and they will eventually go farther away from them than you can imagine. Please stop pushing your made up Mormon agenda especially if you can’t practice what you preach. This girl liked my son very much. Now because of her stupid parents he is out of her life. It’s all good though, you see we are Jewish and we wrote the book on not marrying out of your religion thousands of years ago. Our family values are what the whole world wishes they could have, and unlike the Mormon dad who has been married 6 * I have been married to my wife 26 years. Get with the program Mormons. Your going to lose your daughters if you don’t. Let them have their freedom and set good examples by being good role models yourselves without basing it all on a made up religion. You’ll all be much more successful in the end.
Evan, dear, I’ve been married to my husband for 28 years this August. I guess that means I’m better than you?
Dude, lighten up. Read before posting. It’s a parody.
Alison Moore Smith recently posted…100DC Day 92: Develop Success Habits
Mormon Momma, are you crazy? Don’t try and kill the guy here! They are under a lot of pressure too having to meet the parents and giving them hate is just gonna make them stay clear of your daughter. Try and talk to them about things, make them feel comfortable around the house and around you, it will be much more attractive to the guy in the relationship. If you try and scare them away, she will be known as the girl with parents that freak everybody out, and the daughter wouldn’t have a date for a very long time because of the reputation. As long as they aren’t having PDA right in front of you and swearing, and the boy is trying to talk to you about things, make him feel comfortable. You could be ruining a possible life-long relationship.
Matthew. Dude. See comment #13.
Wow. Is it possible to screen people for reading skills before allowing them to post? I am amazed at the number of men this offends. My husband reads this type of thing (since these ideas are cliche, though the presentation is nicely done), and he agrees wholeheartedly, as a father of three girls and one who remembers what it was like to be a young man. 😉
jennycherie recently posted…Update on the Hate
You sir, are an absolute psychopath. So much for co-existing. If you want me to respect your beliefs, you better respect mine. I feel truly awful for your daughter. I am 16 years old, and I am a male, agnostic high school student with a 4.3 GPA. If you think that your freaky, threatening internet list is going to help your daughter in any way, you are sadly mistaken. I respect the Mormon religion very much, as one of my closest female friends is Mormon. I cannot, however, respect you. Where is the need to bring up gun violence? You are bitter, overprotective, and if you ever get to the bottom of this comment, I’ll have you know that your daughter should be able to formulate her own beliefs, but she probably won’t be able to do so, now will she?
Pssssst. Dylan. It’s a j.o.k.e.
Maybe you’ll get the j.o.k.e. when you have a daughter. Probably not, but I have hope.
Alison Moore Smith recently posted…New Semi-Annual General Women’s Meeting Announced
Who are these people who don’t get this? Are they 10? Or is that the sum of all their IQs added together? Whoa.
Barnaby, you got me, buddy. I just got an email from Dylan up there. He said:
Either he doesn’t understand what “everyone” means or he can’t do basic arithmetic.
We report. You decide.
Hah! I missed this snappy comeback somehow. This was Dylan’s reply on November 19.
The kid is GENIUS.
Alison Moore Smith recently posted…I Want My Popcorn
I, for one, am glad Dylan had the balls to comment on this. If he hadn’t I wouldn’t have seen it. It just showed up in the recent comments list. Best dad parody ever. One I can relate to, having three daughters of my own (way too young to date right now).
I think the balkers are teenage boys who can’t see beyond, well, trying to prove they have balls.
Sorry, do Mormons use the word “balls” or am I in trouble?
This absolutely hilarious! I honestly was laughing the whole way through.. And to anybody that didn’t get the joke, you, need to learn sacasm. My dad used to be exactly like this, he would always joke around how when I got a boyfriend, he’d have his gun out, and waiting. (he also said that if he sagged, he’d hook the back of his pants to his head..)
you talking about shooting the young man if you do you will be arrested for assault and thrown into jail
Only if I get caught…
Alison Moore Smith recently posted…Mormon Hacks: Preschool Edition