by Sara Burlingame

The clerk at Kohl's just cheerfully asked me if I was pregnant. Rather than honk his impertinent nose I just said “no” very carefully and slowly. My “no” had five syllables.

So he followed up with, “Oh, did you just have a baby?”

With the patience of Clytemnestra I said, “No. And you should stop now.”

He asked if I was offended about 50 time. I smiled and said, “Of course not; women love being told they look pregnant.”

This made him break into a relieved smile and say, “Really? Oh good!”

I replied with my best pitying glare, “Of. Course. Not. Just. Stop.”

A gentle reminder: the only appropriate time to assume a woman is pregnant rather than overly fond of her own cooking is when the baby is crowning; no sooner.