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Preferred Voice Mail Greetings

Stumped about what greeting to leave for the fair callers who find you unavailable to take their calls? Here are some suggestions.

  • Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
  • Hi. Now you say something.
  • Hello ?
  • Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
  • Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
  • John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  • Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her DVD player , so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
  • Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
  • This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
  • Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  • Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
  • If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
  • You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
  • Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
{ 9 comments… add one }
  • JustRandi July 18, 2007, 1:38 pm

    These are great! My daughters are already choosing their favorites for their phones.
    Thanks for posting them!

  • JustRandi July 18, 2007, 1:39 pm

    Just checking out how this whisper thing works. Does that mean it’s only you who see the comments?

  • Alison Moore Smith July 18, 2007, 5:00 pm

    Yup! You did it!

  • jennycherie March 21, 2009, 9:46 pm

    okay – I was looking for something in old posts and I thought I would bump this up. :clap:I can’t decide if my favorite is this one:

    # Hi. I am probably home. I ?m just avoiding someone I don ?t like. Leave me a message, and if I don ?t call back, it ?s you.

    or this one:

    # If you are a burglar, then we ?re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can ?t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren ?t home and it ?s safe to leave us a message.

  • heather March 21, 2009, 10:04 pm

    Oh Alison! These are hilarious. I’m converting to a new message. I’m really suppose to be reviewing my talk for church tomorrow but I knew if I logged on, I’d find something great to ease my tension. Maybe I should prank call people just so they’ll refer to caller ID and call back just to hear my message. Ho hum… what to do what to do… I really need to review… I’m calling my sister……

  • mlinford March 21, 2009, 11:48 pm

    Ours says:

    You’ve reached the Linfords
    You know what to do
    And as soon as we can
    We’ll get back to you.

    I think I want one of the ones on the list instead. Much more fun.

  • spande2 March 22, 2009, 9:00 am

    Ours is recorded in my missionary’s pre-puberty voice. I won’t be changing it. 🙂

  • facethemusic March 22, 2009, 10:03 am

    I wouldn’t change it either spande!
    I’ve kept one of those tiny, little cassette tapes that USE to be used in answering machines. One of the messages on that tape was a call from my grandmother. She passed away soon after, and when I was listening to the messages to decide whether or not to erase them, all of a sudden I heard her voice and it made me smile. I couldn’t erase it! So I still have it! My kids never met her, so it was fun for me to play it for them.

    I think my favorite on the list was the one about screening calls. I totally do that!

  • Alison Moore Smith March 22, 2009, 4:05 pm

    Our voice mail has been the same forever. It is me in my best Broad Yorkshire accent (the most common from the area I lived in England) and it says:

    “I’m sorry, but the Smith family isn’t available. Please, leave them a message.”

    Boring, but can’t tell you how many people have asked about our “maid.”

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