When I create my world, chocolate will be dietetic, the seasons will be: 3 months of fall, 4 months of spring, 1 month of winter (December), and 4 months of enough money to travel around the world and hit whatever season I want. Also, there will be no PMS, men will love talking about my feelings, and gestation will last two weeks, at which time the child will walk out of my navel and graduate from college.

You are all invited.

Also in my world, there will be no women who get so much done in a single day that one begins to wonder if, in fact, they are not one person at all, but rather a consortium of people, hiding behind a front-man (woman). For example, I knew Alison Moore Smith in High School, but I don’t think she exists anymore. No. I don’t know any actual human being who can get as much done in life as she can: creating, writing for, and managing multiple blogs, running various businesses out of the home, writing books, home schooling all of her children, building a house, being in plays, inviting aging parents to live with her, having a church calling or three, and possibly running for president. I’m sure I’ve left something out.

I think the real Alison was translated years ago and has since been replaced by a consortium called A.L.I.S.O.N.S.M.I.T.H., also known as the American League of Ingenious Systems Organizers Not Stopped by Moony Idiots that Tergiversate Heavily. (Which, for those of you who don’t use words like “tergiversate” in daily conversation as I do, means: To change repeatedly one’s attitude or opinions with respect to cause, subject, etc. [Dictionary.com]) A.L.I.S.O.N. is not doing all of this work by herself. Neither is my amazing neighbor, or any of the women I know whose portfolios are bursting at the seams like A.L.I.S.O.N.’s is. They’ve got help. I know they do. And they’re giving the rest of us tergiversators a bad name.

So, what to do? I propose a campaign to take down all People-Who-Are-Really-Acronymed-Consortiums. Yes, take them right down! They are influencing our children, who – may I remind you – are our future. They are influencing our government. They are influencing society. They are changing the world! And what about me? These people are messing with my life. I’ve got some lemonade to drink, and some movies to watch, and some chocolates to slam down while avoiding cooking dinner. And I know I am not alone.

Here’s the plan. It’s easy. We give all these little Super-Stepford-Women the day off. That’s it. They won’t know what to do. The droves of little worker-bees that make up the A.L.I.S.O.N. consortium—and the consortiums of those like her—buzzing around frantically with nothing to do? They’ll blitz-out. Go completely catatonic from the shock of being unable to accomplish anything. And the rest of us will finally get a rest.

Oh yeah. I got this. No more comparing myself to the perfect woman in the ward. No more self-esteem puncture when my homegrown yeast bread comes out of the oven looking like an albino slug. No more feeling guilty for being relieved when all the kids are out the door to public school for the day. I’m going to be FREE!

Who’s with me?