Fat ShoesMy wardrobe is pathetic. You have no idea. What really bothers me about it might surprise you. It's that I'm not sure other people know that I know it's pathetic. I imagine them sitting about โ€” gazing on me with sympathy โ€” while thinking, “Oh, my. Does she really think that looks good? She needs an intervention.”

I do. In fact, I fantasize that some day the What Not to Wear guy and gal will show up at my house with a gazillion dollar clothing credit card. The only differences will be:

  • They will let me use the cards at stores where I will actually be willing to shop long-term (Target, Wal-Mart, maybe sales rack at the mall)
  • I will have just lost all the “baby fat” and be ready for the new, sexy me

In spite of the disapproval this would likely bring from Oprah, I just can't get myself to buy fat clothes. I'm just sure, deep in my heart, that it will be a huge waste of money because as soon as I get svelte again, all those beautiful Lane Bryant and Baby Phat Plus Size threads will end up at a thrift store. That would be a crying shame.

So, with my “baby” at a mature seven years of age, I'm still waiting for the pounds to fall to floor in disgust. My wardrobe consists of a handful of nearly threadbare items with that drapery feel to them. ร‚ย And it's old enough that even if it did fit properly, it would be sadly out of date.

Now I could argue that pants that have a waist at the actual waist should never go out of style (and I have!), but that doesn't change the fact that the only place you can still buy pants like mine is the newspaper mail order circular, next to the men's sans-a-belt slacks.

No doubt, these are sad times in my closet. But for the life of me, I can't convince myself to shop. It pains me and makes me sick to my stomach. It's as if buying more fat clothes is an admission that I'll always be stuck here. And that thought is worse than wearing a pathetic mishmash.

In all of this, there have been two bright spots: shoes and handbags. You see, if you're too plump for your own taste, you can still buy great shoes and purses. They will still be there when you are back to your old, thin self. Your shoe size won't change unless you're seriously obese and, best of all, there is no handbag size connected to body weight.

Do you want to splurge? Maybe you're hankering for a bright yellow Cole Hann hobo bag? No problem. Snatch it up. It will be with you through all the ups and downs your scale can imagine. Need killer dress shoes for an upcoming event? Get them now! Not only will they feel great, but they'll probably distract from your muffin top!

I realize this isn't presenting a “healthy body image.” I know I should embrace myself in all my pudgy glory. Somehow I just can't bring myself to that point. (If you can, more power to you!) In the meantime, I'll embrace shoes and handbags. And while I'm at it, maybe I'll get some new earrings and a body spray. I can still use them next month, too. You know, when I'm back to my high school weight.