≡ Menu

Confessions From My Inner Child

I’m coming clean Mom. Yes, I know. I’m a 39 year old, mature, adult woman. I’m married, have kids of my own and I’ve been out of the house for almost 18 years. But I need to do this. I must confess. The guilt has been weighing on me for decades and the truth is, I could stand to shed the pounds.

Remember when you fussed at little Joey for making such a mess under his chair at the dinner table? Well, he didn’t really do it. You put those nasty, soggy leaves that you called “spinach” on my plate after I begged you not to. Then you wouldn’t let me leave the table until I finished my food. So I threw my spinach under the table so that it would land under Joey’s chair and look like he’d made a mess. I know. It wasn’t honest, but it worked.

And remember that time when you found all those moldy peas in the burlap pockets of the chore chart on the kitchen wall? Yeah, that was me, too.

Then there’s the time when the toilet flooded over, complete with asparagus spears. You and Dad had already left the table, giving me and Aaron the instructions that we had to sit there until we’d eaten our asparagus. I shouted into the living room to ask if I could go to the bathroom, and you said I could. You didn’t tell me I couldn’t take my plate with me. It’s not my fault you assumed that Aaron was the one who’d tried to flush his food. But I take full responsibility now.

As long as I’m admitting the times I made bad choices trying to get rid of food I didn’t want, I guess I should confess the times I took food that I did want. Like those pre-packaged, round caramel thingy-s that were supposed to be for caramel apples. All you had to do was peel the paper from the caramel, wrap it around an apple, stab the stick in and wala!! If you’d just waited until a little closer to Halloween to buy them we might have been able to have caramel apples for Halloween that year. But gosh, you bought them so far ahead of time and every time I opened the pantry door, there they were, tempting me. So everyday I snuck another into my bedroom, crawled underneath the bed and ate it. Yes, the caramel thou didst purchase and commanded me not to partake beguiled me, and I did eat. I don’t remember if I blamed that on one of the boys or not. I probably did. (Sorry guys.)

I know you always thought that I was never even tempted to wear immodest clothes. I always dressed modestly and never gave you a hard time about it. But there was one time in the 6th grade, when you told me I could ride bikes with Holly to the Officer’s Club to swim. I wore my bathing suit to her house, but when I got there, she asked if I wanted to wear one of her bikinis instead. So I changed into her suit and went to the pool.

I apologize for being so sneaky and deceitful. You’ll be glad to hear though, that once I got to the pool I felt completely naked, standing there in front of all those men and boys, looking like I was only wearing a brightly colored bra and panties. So I rode my bike back to Holly’s, put my own one-piece suit back on, and went back to the pool. So at least I sort of redeemed myself, right?

And remember that time when Dad got really mad, because someone had dumped all the alcohol out of his wine and liquor bottles, and cut up all his cigarettes? Guilty. When he grouped us all together and asked who did it, I came really close to admitting it. But I was absolutely terrified, afraid of what the punishment might be. So I just let him rant on and on about the money it cost, respect for other people’s things, his differing beliefs and the respect we should have for that, yadda, yadda, yadda…. and you and the boys just stood there, not knowing who’d actually done it. I felt bad that everyone was getting yelled at and was being held suspect, but evidently, not bad enough to ‘fess up.

I considered telling you the truth after he’d finished yelling and left the room. But then I worried about him asking you later, and I didn’t want you to have to lie to him. (And more honestly, I didn’t want you to tell him and then I’d have to suffer the consequences, so I just kept my mouth shut and let everyone suffer.)

Well, I’m sure there are other things I need to confess, but they’re not coming to me at the moment. Nevertheless, please know that I am sorry.

I’m happy to say though, that I think I’ve found at least one, small way to prevent my kids from having the same problem. I’m waiting until the day before Halloween to buy any caramel.

{ 10 comments… add one }
  • kiar March 27, 2008, 9:20 am

    I am hysterical at the moment! You did so many things that I did as a kid! (only I didn’t have brothers to blame it on!)
    I love this post, you cracked me up!
    It reminds me of the time my now hubbie, his sister, her friend and I set off a dry-ice bomb at his grandparents.(I go on the record as thinking it was a horrible idea!) To this day, they don’t know it was us, and we want to keep it that way! (the dog peed on the bed, and they called the cops!)
    We all have little skeletons in our closets… we must release them for comical relief every now and then!

  • nanacarol March 27, 2008, 9:51 am

    This is just too funny!!! Kiar, yes they know!!! The things my two brothers and I did are awful. And my mom said that her kids were not capable of doing those things. We had a spetic tank drained while the neighbors were gone. One night we had 10 pizzas sent to their home. My best was putting honey on the tiolet seat at home knowing my mom would soon be home and the first place she would go was the potty. Oh, we also turned off the main water valve so she could not wash!!!! Boy did I get in trouble for that one!!!!! But I gained my oldest brother’s respect because he was the prankster of the family and he was home on leave for the army. I never saw him laugh so hard. There were more things I did that night but won’t go into them all!!!!!! Oh, to this day when my brother wants to really tease my mom he calls her sticky bum!!!

  • Ray March 27, 2008, 10:07 am

    Spit take doesn’t even begin to describe this post and the comments so far.

    Absolutely hilarious.

  • Lisa March 27, 2008, 10:28 am

    Oh, FTM I absolutely loved “Confessions…” So funny!! I especially cracked up at your last resolution of the problem (not to buy caramel too many days before Halloween)!

    Every now and then, usually at Thanksgiving or some other large family gathering, my brothers and I like to sit and regale my parents with crazy stuff we did as kids…and watch their faces register shock and surprise. They were very strict parents, so sometimes they are *stunned* at what we got away with:bigsmile::shocked: !

  • delmar March 27, 2008, 11:21 am

    This is aboslutely hysterical.

    We have so many horribly good sotries from while my husband was in the military. Single guys are just like big kids. Actually men in general are typically always like kids, huh?

    One of my favorites is so totally wrong! We were having a huge pool party for my daughters 4th birthday and my hubbies 24th. One of the guys decided to call and order pizzas for an enpty apartment, which we could all see fromthe pool. The another guy called and placed a bigger order for another empty apartment. While the delivery guy was attempting to deliver the first order, one of our friends went to the delivery vehicle and stole the other pizzas!!! He then rushed back to the pool area and hid in the bathroom. The deivery guy actually stopped at the pool and gave us the other pizza since he couldn’t take it back. The when he went to the other apartment he discovered the missing pizzas. Our friend was wearing a sarape and sombraro the entire time which made it all so much funnier. Although I felt gulity about eatting the pizza that was stolen, it helped knowing I didn’t know what the heck was going on until it was too late.

    I have plenty of girl scout & military prank stories. Not too many from my childhood considering my brother is 8 years younger than me.

    I will admit to doing one of the best tp’ing jobs ever!!! On my grandparents house, when I was 8 months preggo with baby #1…..9 years ago!!! There was 6 of us and the suburban was full of tp!!! It looked like it snowed, for hours!

  • facethemusic March 27, 2008, 1:06 pm

    And here I was, thinking I was purging my soul from all the rotten things I did as a kid.
    But I was a SAINT compared to some of YOU guys!!!! I’m feeling very superior right now. 🙂
    See, Mom?? I really WAS an angel!! At least by comparison!! :tooth:

  • delmar March 27, 2008, 2:14 pm

    Oh I was a PERFECT ANGEL as a child. It was from 17-22ish when I was questionable. Oh my…..questionable isn’t even the right word. I don’t hide my flaws, I know I’ve changed. Hopefully it’ll make me a better mom if and when my kids are doing crud that I used to do. Now thats scarey!

  • jennycherie March 27, 2008, 3:39 pm

    Tracy, it does not seem just that you have now been blessed with children that LOVE vegetables!:wink:

    very funny!

  • facethemusic March 27, 2008, 5:04 pm

    HA!! Too true, Jenn!! It just goes to show that that whole “if you don’t eat vegetables your kids won’t eat them either” thing is a bunch of nitrate and transfat filled BOLOGNA!! 🙂

  • Alison Moore Smith March 27, 2008, 5:21 pm

    Funny. Man, you guys are bad. I was just confessing some of my junior high pranks to by junior high daughter yesterday (not a smart thing in hindsight). She thought I was SO bad, but they were nothing.

    We once did really mean TPing job (driven to the event by our Beehive leaders…HELLO???) but other than that it was stuff like frogs in sleeping bags at camp, saran wrap on toilet at camp (OK, gross…), and standing in the road after mutual, refusing to move for cars and they declaring, “We were here first!” when asked to move. Dumb…

    Once I carved two X’s in the wood panelling in the family room. I have no idea why, it was just exponentially more fascinating than dusting. My parents lined us up and said that no one would go to Lagoon unless the vandal confessed. I did.

    Really, I was pretty big into confessing. I couldn’t live with my guilt very long.

    Oh! Just remembered another one. Too long, maybe I’ll blog it.

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge