I’m coming clean Mom. Yes, I know. I’m a 39 year old, mature, adult woman. I’m married, have kids of my own and I’ve been out of the house for almost 18 years. But I need to do this. I must confess. The guilt has been weighing on me for decades and the truth is, I could stand to shed the pounds.
Remember when you fussed at little Joey for making such a mess under his chair at the dinner table? Well, he didn’t really do it. You put those nasty, soggy leaves that you called “spinach” on my plate after I begged you not to. Then you wouldn’t let me leave the table until I finished my food. So I threw my spinach under the table so that it would land under Joey’s chair and look like he’d made a mess. I know. It wasn’t honest, but it worked.
And remember that time when you found all those moldy peas in the burlap pockets of the chore chart on the kitchen wall? Yeah, that was me, too.
Then there’s the time when the toilet flooded over, complete with asparagus spears. You and Dad had already left the table, giving me and Aaron the instructions that we had to sit there until we’d eaten our asparagus. I shouted into the living room to ask if I could go to the bathroom, and you said I could. You didn’t tell me I couldn’t take my plate with me. It’s not my fault you assumed that Aaron was the one who’d tried to flush his food. But I take full responsibility now.
As long as I’m admitting the times I made bad choices trying to get rid of food I didn’t want, I guess I should confess the times I took food that I did want. Like those pre-packaged, round caramel thingy-s that were supposed to be for caramel apples. All you had to do was peel the paper from the caramel, wrap it around an apple, stab the stick in and wala!! If you’d just waited until a little closer to Halloween to buy them we might have been able to have caramel apples for Halloween that year. But gosh, you bought them so far ahead of time and every time I opened the pantry door, there they were, tempting me. So everyday I snuck another into my bedroom, crawled underneath the bed and ate it. Yes, the caramel thou didst purchase and commanded me not to partake beguiled me, and I did eat. I don’t remember if I blamed that on one of the boys or not. I probably did. (Sorry guys.)
I know you always thought that I was never even tempted to wear immodest clothes. I always dressed modestly and never gave you a hard time about it. But there was one time in the 6th grade, when you told me I could ride bikes with Holly to the Officer’s Club to swim. I wore my bathing suit to her house, but when I got there, she asked if I wanted to wear one of her bikinis instead. So I changed into her suit and went to the pool.
I apologize for being so sneaky and deceitful. You’ll be glad to hear though, that once I got to the pool I felt completely naked, standing there in front of all those men and boys, looking like I was only wearing a brightly colored bra and panties. So I rode my bike back to Holly’s, put my own one-piece suit back on, and went back to the pool. So at least I sort of redeemed myself, right?
And remember that time when Dad got really mad, because someone had dumped all the alcohol out of his wine and liquor bottles, and cut up all his cigarettes? Guilty. When he grouped us all together and asked who did it, I came really close to admitting it. But I was absolutely terrified, afraid of what the punishment might be. So I just let him rant on and on about the money it cost, respect for other people’s things, his differing beliefs and the respect we should have for that, yadda, yadda, yadda…. and you and the boys just stood there, not knowing who’d actually done it. I felt bad that everyone was getting yelled at and was being held suspect, but evidently, not bad enough to ‘fess up.
I considered telling you the truth after he’d finished yelling and left the room. But then I worried about him asking you later, and I didn’t want you to have to lie to him. (And more honestly, I didn’t want you to tell him and then I’d have to suffer the consequences, so I just kept my mouth shut and let everyone suffer.)
Well, I’m sure there are other things I need to confess, but they’re not coming to me at the moment. Nevertheless, please know that I am sorry.
I’m happy to say though, that I think I’ve found at least one, small way to prevent my kids from having the same problem. I’m waiting until the day before Halloween to buy any caramel.